The Queen’s Message

Days before it’s due to be delivered, The Bug has been handed an advance copy of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second’s Christmas speech to Australia. We proudly reprint the transcript here.


Although our two wonderful countries continue to be  separated by a giant sea mass, the thoughts of One and of course One’s Philip are with you at this special time of the year.

One extends to your Prime Minister Scott Morrison and his family – if indeed he is still your country’s leader at time of broadcast – One’s hopes for a very happy clappy and relaxing festive season. To Opposition Leader Bill Shorten and his family, may his summer break be an absolute zinger – One’s told that’s the right word to use there?

It has indeed been a very colourful year for the Royal Family and so it would be remiss of One not to mention that a Megan Markle has joined “The Firm” as Prince Harry’s first wife.

One’s number one son and no hair apparent Prince Charles continues with his rigorous training so that one day he might be up to taking One’s place as your Queen of Australia. Oh, silly One. One meant, of course, King of Australia.

Sadly, my beloved husband Philip continues to battle Father Time and One often pauses to contemplate how long he has left with One. He no longer has the desire to get on the royal telephone to chat and flirt with former concubines and it’s been ages since he’s made a caustic and totally inappropriate comment to our coloured palace staff, and for these reasons alone, One fears he has lost his zest for life and his time with One is drawing to a close.

Christmas is naturally a time when families reflect on their achievements and One is proud to say that in 2018 One’s extended lot of public teat-sucking, pampered and privileged princes and princesses seems to have fucked up a lot less than usual, if you’ll excuse the French.

When One was being written this speech, One almost had to scratch One’s tiara in ongoing disbelief that that handsome and erudite Mr Malcolm Turnbull was no longer your nation’s leader.

He always looked so right for the role, so composed and assured on the world stage, even if One understands he was fucking useless in the position, if you’ll excuse the French.

One really does miss meeting men of Mr Turnbull’s stature though, particularly as he was much the same height as One.

One would like to conclude with maybe one or two or three observations from One.

One, One is reminded that our world faces enormous challenges. Here in my not so United Kingdom, there is much division still over whether we should continue with our Brexit plans.

In your country, I’m told many people are deeply concerned that Tony Abbott still has no exit plans of his own and One shares your nation’s concerns on that matter. It must be a truly fretful time for you all.

Two, One knows that  my loyal Australian subjects also face other ongoing difficulties, and One makes particular mention of the number of bitter and disgruntled former leaders your wonderful country has to contend with.

Or should that be with which your country has to contend? One really should have paid more attention to One’s palace tutors and their subjects instead of merrily if somewhat coyly waving at subjects of One’s own.

But One really does see your dilemma. The closest we have here is that strange Boris Johnson chap, and he hasn’t even been Prime Minister yet. Or so One has been told.

Three. To One, these problems Down Under may seem insurmountable at times but One is confident One’s loyal subjects in Australia will meet and defeat these pressing issues with your usual never-say-dinky-di true-blue Anzac spirit.

In conclusion, as One ages, time seems to fly past faster and faster, so even if next Christmas comes earlier than normal, in November or perhaps even October, let’s all pray that One will still be making this quaint little speech and not that fucking idiot son of One’s, Charles, if you’ll pardon the French.  One really does wonder what One did to deserve that one.