Canberra: All federal MPs having illicit affairs have resigned overnight. The Deen Brothers have been called in and demolition of Parliament House is expected to begin later today once Pauline Hanson and Michaelia Cash can be talked out of the building.
Melbourne: ABC Breakfast News presenter Virginia Trioli remains inconsolable, sobbing constantly and refusing to leave her locked dressing room a day and a half after calling disgraced National Party politician Andrew Broad a “cabinet minister” on air.
“Decades in journalism and I can’t believe I’ve made my first mistake ever,” she was heard to sob between perfect pronunciations of Médecins Sans Frontières and Puerto Rico throughout yesterday.
Co-host Paul Kennedy earlier today praised Ms Trioli’s professionalism: “She stopped sobbing at 5.30am this morning, came out, got through makeup and put in a flawless three hours on camera live before storming off back to her room to resume her sobbing. She knows she’s let herself down but she’s an absolute trooper in my eyes.
“Staff in the corridor right now can also hear her between sobbing bouts perfectly enunciating a string of little-know Italian provinces, French Quebec villages, the full names of all the founders of Impressionism and all of the sidings on the Trans Siberian Railway, east to west.
Toads avoid cold
Canberra: A special inquiry into how to tackle the spread of cane toads has heard the pest will never invade colder parts of Australia.
The House of Representatives’ Standing Committee on the Environment and Energy has started public hearings in Canberra to take expert evidence on how to stop the spread of the exotic pest.
Giving evidence to the inquiry, the federal government’s head of exotic pest eradication, Kane “Biff” O’Marinus, (pictured) gave assurances to the committee of MPs that cane toads would never invade the ACT or other parts of Australia with colder than average climates.
“We… I mean, these toads are native to the Caribbean and northern parts of South America,” Mr O’Marinus told the committee.
“I can assure you that places like Canberra and the ACT are definitely off-limits because they are simply too cold for us….I mean them.”
Queensland’s latest rail tragedy
Brisbane: The Queensland Government has been left red-faced and with another major rail disaster on its hands, after the first of its “even newer generation” CityRail electric trains (pictured) arrived from Japan and Queensland Rail engineers found they were totally unsuited, even to the state’s embarrassingly pathetic 3ft 6in narrow-gauge tracks.