Jules and Judith take a fall

CELEBRITIES:

Two of Australia’s most respected and much-loved women in public life have spent the night in hospitals on either side of the country after suffering falls.

Former Foreign Affairs Minister Julie Bishop and top comedian  Judith Lucy were reportedly both doing well with only minor abrasions and headaches after unexpected incidents at almost the same time yesterday afternoon.

An embarrassed Ms Bishop told The Bug from her bed at the Sir Charles Court Private Hospital for Those Who Have Really Done Well In Life that her fall, at a Liberal Party fundraising event by the Swan River, was totally her own fault.

“It’s a lesson for aspiring women everywhere who seek a career in public life,” Ms Bishop said. “I was at this function looking absolutely stunning in a canary-yellow summer frock by Otto Preminsky that captured my taut physique, pert breasts and great, athletic pins perfectly, and went fabulously with this absolutely stunning pair of red Pierre Cardigan high-heels that really cramped my feet but showed just the right amount of de-toe-latage.

“One of the media asked me to do a twirl and I got a little flustered because I didn’t hear whether he said twirl or twerk so I tried to do both and ended up flat on my face.

“So my message to aspiring young female politicians; in fact any woman wanting to break through that glass ceiling: don’t try to twirl and twerk at the same time, especially in high heels, ladies!”

Some thousands of kilometres further east, Judith Lucy used a media call at the Arthur Calwell Respite Centre for Funny Looking People Who Make You Laugh on the nation’s outskirts to explain her collapse while rehearsing on stage at the Canberra Theatre Centre for a series of shows opening in a few days time.

“I’ve been facing mounting stress in recent weeks after a national newspaper ‘sexualised’ me by naming me and talking about my private parts and awful stuff like how my vagina was holding up now that I’m nearing 50,” Ms Lucy said.

Asked by The Bug reporter present if she wanted to name the publication, she would only confirm that it was a “scurrilous shit-rag of no standing whatsoever” that some weeks ago had poked fun at promotions for her current stage show, Judith Lucy V Men, where she talks about her love life, the dud men in that life, how they don’t last long when they’re young and can’t get it up when they’re old, and whether she should hang up her vagina for good.

“It was terrible what the paper said about me. They said that maybe instead of making fun of men, I should look at my own performance in the cot,” she said.

“They know I’m nearing 50, and they made jokes about how maybe my vagina could use a bit of WD40 or something like that. It’s so unfair. It’s not as if I’m a world-famous comedienne who deserves to be sexualised like that.

“You know, I’ve never sexualised myself and I certainly have never sexualised men. All the men in my current show are made up, as are my experiences with them. How can you sexualise people who don’t exist in the first place, especially as I never mention names, much?

“But this awful publication certainly sexualised me by naming me and it’s been very stressful so far on tour. My shows up until now have met with the usual glowing reviews that Hannah Gadsby could only dream about and I’ve soldiered on like the trouper I am but those hurtful words kept haunting and haunting me. I’ve tossed and turned most nights and I’ve been working dead tired. Yesterday, it finally became too much.

“I was onstage rehearsing and just trying some new lines about men I’ve encountered with really small dicks. I could hear the boys backstage laughing their heads off and then that awful newspaper story popped into my head once again and how it had cruelly sexualised me. The stress finally got to me and the last thing I can remember is getting very light-headed before I fainted dead away.”

Ms Lucy said she was still considering legal action against the newspaper for sexualising her by mentioning her by name and by mentioning her new show.