Jesus slams media ban and racial profiling


An angry Son of God has threatened to scrap or at least scale back his Judgement Day World Tour because of legal difficulties in Australia, the first stop on his surprise resurrection tour of all nations around the globe.

Jesus has also slammed the federal agency Australian Border Force for allegedly holding up his entry to the country (pictured) and jeopardising his tour because its officers wrongly suspected he was a terrorist.

At a packed news conference in Sydney, Jesus said he had arrived not knowing a media ban on reporting some issues may affect the Australian leg of his tour.

“I had planned to start the Judgement Day Tour in each country I’ll be visiting by passing judgement on those deserving scrutiny the most, especially senior church figures who are supposed to do my work here on Earth, live by the principles I taught, and to implore others to also live by those principles,” he said.

“But now I find the media in Australia will not be able to report on some of the key parts of the show, and what’s a world tour without media coverage, I ask you.

“As if that isn’t bad enough, the whole tour got off to a bad start when I arrived in Australia unannounced.

“I am a bearded man and obviously of Middle Eastern appearance who speaks less than perfect English.

“This was obviously sufficient grounds to cause your Border Force people to pull me aside when I arrived. They detained me and questioned me for several hours. They even threatened to confiscate my bottles of duty-free holy water but I was well under the 2.25 litre limit. I was very, very cross, I can tell you.

“It was obvious to me they thought I was some sort of threat, especially when I told them about my Judgement Day Tour.

“Eventually I was able to convince them to let me go. But the damage has been done.

“My Judgement Day World Tour was meant to be a surprise. I was meant to arrive unannounced for each show, but now thanks to Border Force the cat’s well and truly out of the bag.”

Jesus said he was seriously considering abandoning or massively scaling back the Australian shows of his Judgement Day World Tour.

“Frank Sinatra warned me not to start the tour in Australia,” he said. “I just wish I had listened to him.”

When asked why he originally chose Australia as the venue for his first Judgement Day show, Jesus said he had planned to conduct his global tour by visiting all nations of the world in alphabetical order.

When it was pointed out that Australia was preceded alphabetically by several other nations, he replied: “Not in Aramaic.”