Sex advice that’s correct politically not politically correct

Doctor Dick has always argued that his ability to provide prompt and accurate professional advice to those seeking his help on sexual issues is often enhanced if they provide photographs or videos, preferably in colour with sound, to graphically highlight their various plights. Here are recent examples.


Dear Doctor Dick
I’m fast approaching dating age but I’m worried about the look of my ScoMo. I’ve read that surgery might be a solution? Please help.

Sally W

Dr Dick replies: Well, I will agree with you that it certainly does have a bit of a lopsided smirk going on there, Sally. And, yes, it’s not the best looking ScoMo I’ve ever come across. Looks a bit like a bulldog that caught up with a car that braked suddenly.

But seriously, Sally, surgery at your age? Really? Sadly, in western societies, expensive labial plastic surgery has become quite the in-thing but here’s my wise counsel: at your age, why not wait and see whether your future sex partners have a problem with what nature provided you?

My best bet is that some randy young fellow of around your own age is not going to give a hoot that your external genitalia does look a little dull and uninviting, a bit scomo-ish as you say.


Dear Doctor Dick
There’s nothing at all wrong with my Michaela Cash but I just wanted to share a photo of it with you. It’s a beauty, isn’t it?

Sandy S
Gold Coast

Dr Dick replies: Bloody hell, do you work in a drafting or surveying office? Who these days has access to a colour A2 printer?


Dear Doctor Dick
No advice needed but please take a gander at the pic of my Bronwyn Bishop. Not bad, eh, for a sheila of my age?

Name and address withheld
Inner Sydney

Dr Dick replies: Let me guess… taken with a box brownie?


Dear Doctor Dick
Is it normal for men to give their penis a pet name? I call mine Malcolm, after Malcolm Fraser who was one of the biggest political dickheads I’ve ever encountered.

D Shearman

Dr Dick replies: Now that’s what I call a diagnostic tool!


Dear Doctor Dick
I’m a bloke who’s just over 50 and recently I ditched the wife and kids after having an affair with the much younger sheila I’ve now shacked up with and who’s recently popped out a sprog. Trouble is it all cost me my job and since I was demoted I’ve struggled with rebuilding my life and image so I can one day (soon) get my old job back. Any advice you can give me?  


Dr Dick replies: Yes, you should shut up and stop whingeing, do your job, and rejoice at having a recent newborn child.


Dear Doctor Dick
My local GP tells me my penis is sort of christopher pyneish. Any advice?

Andrew G
North Adelaide

Dr Dick replies: I’m assuming your accompanying photos show you flaccid? My apologies if they don’t. The medical term for what you have there, Andrew, is Christopherus pygmypyneitis. This typically presents, as I imagine you are acutely aware, as a smallish member with a little patch of curly, close-cropped hair on top of a pixieish bellend. The hair is a genetic throwback to caveman times — I bet it feels a bit like steel wool — but at least it’s kept your hands warm over the years, am I right? But here’s the good news. While you might think what you’ve got there is just an annoying little prick, you are going to come across plenty of women who, for some inexplicable reason, will find it fascinating. Maybe that hairy top gives them a warm, fuzzy feeling inside? Who knows. So don’t be embarrassed.  Grasp that difference and have fun with it, okay?


Dear Doctor Dick
Take a look at the photo of my penis I emailed to you. Can I ask for your professional advice, for which I am willing to pay? Does it look a little shorten to you?


Doctor Dick replies: Yes. I’ll email you the bill.