A beaming US president Donald Trump has appeared before the media on the lawns of the White House to thank his fellow Americans for helping the Republicans kept control of both houses of Congress at today’s mid-terms.
“Have you seen those figures, folks? How sweet are they, huh? How sweet they are!” Mr Trump said, wearing his usual woollen black long coat and not one of his hairs out of place.
“It looks like we’re going to win up to 56 seats in the Senate and that’s uge. That’s some victory. There’s never been a victory like that,” the 45th president said between fist pumps and trying to hold the hand of the First Lady.
“And what about all those doom-sayers in the fake media who said we’d lose the House of Representatives, huh? Those so-called experts who said that loss would mean the end of all the great things my administration has achieved over these past two years. Well, that’s not going to happen, folks!
Addressing an at-times fiery and heated media call with the White House press corp, Mr Trump (pictured) added: “We’ve knocked that one out of the ballpark,” Mr Trump said, swinging a fake baseball bat with gusto. “It’s outta here!
“The Republican Party has already won an absolute majority in the lower house – that’s right, clap your hardest, people, you deserve this win as much as I do – we’re well past the 218 seats we need to win and that’s a uge swing; the biggest in United States history. The biggest by far. The experts have never seen a swing that big. It’s uge.
“Who knows how many lower-house seats we’re going to end up with. Two hundred and thirty? Possibly. Who knows where this red flood will end?
“But I know a few things for sure now. Those caravans of illegal immigrants are coming to an end, folks! There’ll be no serial killers and Islam extremists flooding into our communities, taking our jobs and raping and killing our women and children.
“And why? We’re going to get on and build that wall, now that we control both houses on the Hill. It’ll run right along the Mexican border. Top to bottom. Another promise made; another promise kept. It’s going to be the biggest wall ever built on that border. It’ll be done soon, believe me. And all built with American technology and expertise. No Jina or Russki involvement whatsoever! Not on my watch. And fully paid for by Mexico! You’d better believe it, folks.
“And we’ll continue with our healthcare reforms to ensure that any American needing urgent medical treatment will have a God-given right in this, the Land of the Free, to pay for it if they can.
“And we’ll be getting rid of more of Obama’s wishy-washy environment laws. I tell you folks, ” Mr Trump said, pretending to hold a rifle and point it towards the darkened Washington skyline, “there’s not a bald eagle across this country that should feel safe after tonight’s amazing victory. It’s been uge.
“And we’ll be cutting more redtape for business. In fact, we’ll get rid of company taxes completely, right? Zero. Nada. Zilch. Gonski. Why is it that these wishy-washy, leftie Democrats hate good decent business folk who just want to make an honest buck?
“And speaking of tax, my own tax returns are safe too. No crooked Democrats are going to get the slightest peek into my personal life. Not today. Not ever. Would any of you want the government to pry into your private parts?”
White House staff then came out onto the lawns, gave the best President America’s ever had a mug of steaming hot chocolate, handed him back his cellphone so he could do some midnight tweets later if he wanted to, and steered him back inside.
“So thank you, America. What a night it’s been for truth, justice and the American way,” Mr Trump shouted as he was led away. “God bless you all and God bless America.”