Alan Jones sells his arse


Sydney shock jock Alan Jones has come up with a novel way to defray the massive $3.7 million defamation payout he owes to the Toowoomba-based Wagner family.

“I was at the barrier draw for the recent Everest horse race just watching the sails of the Opera House light up with the jockey colours and barrier numbers and the answer struck me: I’ll sell my arse,” Jones explained on-air to his listeners.

“After all, I was the one who badgered NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian and that silly lefty do-gooder woman running the Opera House into allowing it to be a commercial billboard so it’s only fair I put my money where someone else’s mouth sometimes is.

“I’m happy to have a logo for the Wagner family’s Wellcamp Airport outside Toowoomba projected onto my lily white butt cheeks which, dare I say, rival the Opera House sails for their size and prominence.

“If it means I must be nude in my out-of-studio hours then that’s a price I’m prepared to pay. This will be the first time ever my arse has been seen outside a public convenie… I mean in a public place. Ever. But no-one’s going to see it until they stump up some cash so, luckily, a male bottom model I met down at Circular Quay when I was caught short a few weeks ago kindly agreed to show how it will look. Sort of. (pictured).

“Call it cash for cellulite,” Jones quipped. “Bucks for buttocks? Cash for crack? C’mon listeners, help me out here.”

aj ad arse.jpg“But seriously, though, I calculate at the rates I charge that my financial obligation to the Wagners will be discharged in just a few years. I understand from my lawyers that the family is happy with the arrangement.

“So this should put an end once and for all to the legal problems between me and the Wagners,” Jones said before alleging the family had xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx* and were responsible for xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx* had never satisfactorily explained why xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx* and also xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx* the shocking xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx* and had xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx* and xxxxxxxxxxx* as well as xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx* the unsolved 1965 Wanda Beach murders.

*Editor’s note: xxxxxxxx areas redacted by Supreme Court of NSW order.