Boris’s blunt message to May: FUKIT


Former UK foreign secretary Boris Johnson (pictured) has released an alternative plan to Brexit in a move observers claim is an escalation of his campaign against Prime Minister Theresa May.

Mr Johnson was prominent in the “leave” campaign in the June 2016 Brexit referendum and famously resigned from Mrs May’s government in July this year in a move seen as part of his campaign to take over as Conservative Party leader.

At a packed news conference at his country estate Chinlesse Gitte in Birks’shire, Mr Johnson outlined his own proposed agreement after emerging from the large 12-car garage abutting the estate manor and riding a penny-farthing bicycle the full three metres to where the media throng was waiting.

Pausing to wipe his brow after photos were all concluded with, a stern Mr Johnson said his plan would see Britain leave the European Union – he remained adamant about that – but it would maintain current free trade deals across a range of lucrative and essential export markets.

“The Free United Kingdom International Trade Agreement that I am putting forward will mean Britain can meet the demands of the referendum vote to leave the EU while keeping in place free trade arrangements,” he said. “While the Prime Minister continues to muddle about and cannot deliver a solution, I say FUKIT.”

After Mr Johnson distributed copies of his three-page FUKIT document, reporters asked why it contained no details and consisted entirely of a range of full-colour photos of Mr Johnson, mainly headshots but several that showed him riding bare-chested on a chestnut gelding, competing in the London marathon and standing ankle-deep in a babbling brook while wrestling a hairy Scotsman.

“Wait. What? Do I really need anything more?” he responded. “Really chaps? Our nation’s at the crossroads so surely we can’t let ourselves get bogged down in details and fine print at this crucial juncture?”

Mr Johnson refused to answer further questions. He began to withdraw to Chinlesse Gitte by first removing his trousers to reveal white shorts brandishing the Union Jack on the front and an image of a dancing Theresa May across his ample buttocks, and then ascending a ladder that would allow him access via a hastily erected flying fox line to the estate’s front door. But once on the launch platform and after photographs were concluded with,  he turned and briefly addressed reporters again.

“I just want to make clear that when I said ‘chaps’ just then, I also meant chapettes. Don’t want to upset the girlies, bless ‘em,” he said before clipping himself to the flying fox and pushing himself off into the void, holding aloft a FUKIT flag in one hand and the Union Jack in the other, and screaming pathetically like a little girl as press photographers snapped merrily away.

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