Our resident sexologist Doctor Dick responds to a heartfelt plea for help from a concerned reader.
Dear Doctor Dick
I was travelling by road yesterday arvo and I heard that so-called comedian Judith Lucy being interviewed on ABC radio by presenter Milf Hoarehouse. Lucy was banging on about some stand-up comedy show she’s taking on the road soon and seeing the show is called Judith Lucy v Men, she spent her entire time putting down the men she’s horizontally folk-danced with.
It sounds like there hasn’t been a single poor prick in her entire sex life that has danced well enough not to step painfully on her camel-toes during their strictly bedroom routines. But apparently she now wants to use these shows to ask her audiences – and she’s invited the wider Australian public to join in – whether she should persevere with the male of the species or hang up her vagina for good.
Do you see what’s missing here, doctor? How are we supposed to counsel her on such a decision while knowing bugger all about how she herself rates as a root. Not just the poor bastards she’s been with. Fair cop? What we need to know is this: why should men, who she seems to love putting down, want to slip her one in the first place?
So please, Judith, give us a clue as to why your average Aussie bloke would want to get on a first name basis, sexually speaking, with you, someone with two first names. In other words, what’s in it for him if he sticks it in. If he takes his purple-helmeted turbo-charged throbster for a spin on your carnal highway? Puts the turtle head through the jade gates? Blitzkrieg mit dem fleischgewehr? Brings his al dente noodle to your spaghetti house? Cleans the cobwebs with the womb broom? Crashes the custard truck on your Vag Street?
In other words, what does Judith bring to the workbench? By her own admission, Lucy is 50 odd so the old bearded clam is probably a little bleached and desiccated by now although I’m sure it’s still perfectly serviceable, although in the interests of safe sex, I suspect a jar or two of vas on the bedside table wouldn’t go astray. And sure, while she’s no spring chicken, she looks kind of okay for someone of her age, and even though she’s got a voice that could make testicles retract, I’m sure she’s more than capable of getting a rise out of men of a similar age or even perhaps a bit older, if you get my drift. But what about her own skillset in making sure that happens.
Foreplay, for example. How good is she at giving fifty lashes with the Robert Young? Can she put Hoover out of business by giving a headjob that sucks the sheets up a bloke’s arse? And speaking of which, does she enjoy giving a thorough roseleaf cleansing just as much? One that not only makes a man’s toes curl but snaps some off?
I think the fellas out there know what I’m getting at here. We’re supposed to get down there and use the skilled lip and tongue movements of a James Morrison to blow and suck a woman to Harold Robbins’ heights of sexual pleasure, bearing in mind that could take a number of Morrison’s favourite jazz albums with someone of Lucy’s advanced age. And then after all that foreplay, does Lucy have the skills to return a bloke to tumescent manhood for the final act? To Atten…SHUN for the final crazy dance! The wild thing?
We then need to know: does she just lie there counting the ceiling tiles and hoping it doesn’t last long as she wants to get over to her laptop and write some one-liners about his pathetic performance? Or is she a true-blue Aussie sheila who treats her lover like a rodeo rider and handfeeds him his favourite Cadbury’s Favourites chocolate if he can hang on for eight seconds? Showing all the while vaginal muscle control that would put the ping-pong ladies at a Bangkok live sex show to shame?
And all that after saying things like: “I’ve never seen such a big one. “I hope I won’t need stitches.” Take me any way you want, okay, but I do love it up the tan track”. “I’d love it if you came all over my face”. “There’s no need to hug me afterwards; just go to sleep or home to your wife”.
Personally, I need to know these things before giving any advice to Ms Lucy about her future sexual activities, be they with some poor bastard or the new love of her life, her very bendy non-complaining vibrator.
Fair go, mate!
Palm Beach, Queensland
Doctor Dick replies: You’ve raised, albeit rather colourfully, some very good points. Can Judith Lucy do the same?