The world’s prickliest sexologist is back!

Doctor Dick, regarded by many as the world’s leading sex therapist, returns to The Bug with his brilliant advice to those suffering a sticky sexual problem or who have simply drawn the short straw in life.

Dear Doctor Dick
My guess is that with all your experience in all matters sexual, you’ve enjoyed more than your fair share of threesomes? I’ve certainly had plenty and I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever again be satisfied with one-on-one action.

Ben Scudmore, 16
Texas, USA

Doctor Dick replies:
Sixteen and already you’ve had plenty of threesomes, hey, Ben? Hate to bust your self-confidence here, buddy, but you are aware that the definition of a sexual threesome is not masturbating using both hands?

Dear Doctor Dick
I am an Aussie male old enough to qualify for the free bowel cancer testing kits the federal Health Department mails out on a regular basis.

As you would well know the idea is for me to take two samples of my bowel movements a few days apart and return them for testing to see if I have any problems in that area. When I opened the DIY testing kit I was struck by the fact the testing probes to be inserted in my stools didn’t seem to be capable of capturing much of a sample. They looked like toothpicks.

So I decided I would help out by sending full-size samples via the return postage-paid envelope included in the kit.

That worked fine for the first sample which I strained to extrude and looked pretty much like a couple of Maltesers. But the second sample a few days later wasn’t such a strain and in fact was pretty free flowing, if you know what I mean.

Oh, by the way, I should mention I decided not to use the sheets supplied with the testing kit that you are supposed to place on top of the water in the toilet bowl to catch your samples. I decided to just squat on the kitchen floor which, by the way, did not go down well with the missus when she walked in and saw me.

While I could easily shepherd the first sample of small rounded droppings into the plastic zip-lock bag that came with the testing kit, I had a bit of drama scooping up the second sample and ended up using a fancy set of salad servers given to us as a wedding gift by my mother-in-law. Again, the missus was not impressed.

I had a lot of explaining to do and she was even less impressed after discovering that the “Maltesers” she had seen in the bag in the fridge door weren’t the real thing.  She’s spending the weekend at her mother’s to give her some space and think things through.

Anyway, I gave up on the supplied testing kit as a bad joke and decided on another course of action. I went to the local post office and bought one of those yellow and white pre-paid express mail bags — the 5kg size which I thought should be ample.

I started the process all over again by squeezing out a couple of smooth, thick and unbroken coils onto some cling wrap and wrapped them up before sticking them in the postbag which then went in the fridge until I could drop a second sample a few days later.

This time it was a few slightly harder, sausage-shaped ones with a lumpy look. I’d say they would have been something like a type two on the standard Bristol stool chart with the first sample definitely a type four.

Anyway I cling-wrapped the second sample and sent the whole postbag off. I really do think the people at the lab where they do the testing will appreciate getting the bigger samples.

My question to you is simple. Because I didn’t use the reply-paid envelope originally supplied should I ask the Health Department to reimburse me the cost of the express postbag?

The Stool Fool (not my real name)
Sandringham, Victoria.

Doctor Dick replies: Couldn’t quite see a sexual problem there, TFS, unless your missus will forever have a bad taste in her mouth and is gone for good. But can I make this general observation: what a pack of shit!

Dear Doctor Dick
I don’t have any problem at all with the size of my dick but I’m still wonder…..

Doctor Dick replies: In the almost 30 years I’ve been writing this column, I have never, ever, responded to questions that are clearly made up and I do not intend to start now.

Dear Doctor Dick

I was reading an online news article that said research in the UK showed that women whose index and ring fingers on their left hands are of different lengths are more likely to be lesbians.

The researchers used finger measurements of pairs of female identical twins where one was straight and the other gay. Apparently a difference in the length of the index and ring fingers is common in males on both hands but generally not in females. But in the research on identical female twins, the lesbian sisters but not the straights had different sized index and ring fingers on their left hands. The scientists found no similar link in male identical twins where one was straight and the other gay.

I am confused because although I have always known the index finger is the one next to the thumb, I always thought the ring finger was the one next to the index finger. But no, the online story told me it’s the fourth finger if counting the thumb as the first. Or to put it another way, it’s the one next to the little finger. Is there a difference in terminology between us and the Brits?

It was previously easy for me to remember because I always assumed it was called the ring finger because it was the one your GP stuck up your ring to test your prostate. Have I been wrong all along?

Doctor Dick replies: Your online news reading shows how easy digital technology can confuse people.

Dear Doctor Dick

It’s been quite some time since I last enjoyed the pleasure of a man’s company ­- oh, who am I trying to kid; my drought has now gone on for over two years and I’d have to go to a poultry show to remember what a cock looks like. My concern is that I’ve read that lack of sex can be very harmful for a woman’s sexual plumbing, so to speak; indeed, the general health of her entire reproductive system. Is this true? And what can I do about it?

Fairy Sandall, Fortyish
Broken Hill, far outback NSW

Doctor Dick replies: You are spot on, my dear, especially when it comes to vaginal health. While we all understand and appreciate the vital and dominant role human sperm plays in the very creation of life, it is a little know fact that fresh human sperm is chock-a-block full of natural health properties that make it probably the most natural way to firstly prevent, or if they already exist, medicate against bacterial vaginosis, thrush and other viral and bacterial internal infections that can lead to all sorts of reproductive and sexual health issues for women. Put simply: human spermatozoa is awash with life-enriching goodness. Quite amazingly, international research shows that human sperm with its many remedial and healing qualities is just as effective when taken orally. Even better news is that international research has now proved that human sperm is a much more powerful medicinal preventer/healer of vaginal infections than first thought. In my days as a young MD, my clinic had pamphlets such as “Give your vag a spray a day” and “Your love tunnel needs a spunk dunk” on its walls – but now the medical profession believes it only takes sexual intercourse – or as one of my lecturers used to say: “a damn good rogering” – once a week to keep your vagina in rude good health well into old age. But as always: more is good too. And please remember, Fairy, that while I appreciate that available men can be a problem in Broken Hill, and not just around Broken Heel Festival time, all droughts end, as will yours. Trust me: the “rains” will return sooner than you think, and before you know it, you’ll be having a knee-trembler by the rear entrance – not yours, I mean the Demo Club’s – with some really nice bloke you’ve just met inside.

Got a sex problem that needs popping? Why not consult Doctor Dick? So don’t wait ‘til the bloody thing goes black and falls off. Still can’t find the G spot after years of trying? Why lose the very person who could truly be your life partner, just because you’re a bit put off because they suggest sex play involving a 1960s Sunbeam Mixmaster. Seek his help, now!