Critics to Cricket Australia: ‘Show some balls’


A vocal and increasingly angry grouping within the Australian cricketing community has called on the sport’s peak body Cricket Australia to embrace — not reject — the aggressive culture identified in, and condemned by, the independent analysis commissioned after the ball-tampering scandal.

They are advocating no change to the win-at-all-costs approach and have suggested rebadging the national team to reflect its ethos.

Respected cricket scribes and Geoff Lemon are unsure exactly who are hurling these vicious bouncers Cricket Australia’s way: a ginger group within the organisation itself, senior members of the players’ body, the Australian Cricketers’ Association, or just a cabal of cricket fans who unfortunately have Foxtel and got to see the Australian Test and Twenty-20 sides perform badly against Pakistan in the United Arab Emirates.

“Some of us won’t cop the findings of this bleeding-heart, soft-cock report because changing the current culture will kill the sport,” one senior group member said on condition of anonymity.

“We’re already playing under these new goody-two-shoes, aren’t we whiter than our whites, there’s no sandpaper in our sheds rules and a fat lot of fucking good it’s done us so far. We’re now even a bigger laughing stock around the world then when Cameron Bancroft tried to sandpaper his cock in Cape Town. Even the Kiwis could beat us now regularly and we may as well save on airfares for the next northern summer and just give the Poms the Ashes back right now.

“So what’s the point of toning down the aggro that crowds love, knocking off sledging, or even outlawing ball tampering. For fuck’s sake, scratching your balls comes naturally to blokes so why mess with nature?

“Some of us will be pushing for Cricket Australia to show some balls — pardon the pun — and shelve this report.

“We need to embrace the current aggressive culture and we should start by badging the team the Australians Arseholes when they take to the international stage.

“Let’s not pretend we’re not arseholes. Let’s all embrace our inner arsehole and start winning,” the source said.

“The way the things stand at the moment, the Aussie women’s Test, One Day and Twenty-20 sides could beat our national men’s teams on any given day, and they haven’t got a bloody single ball to scratch among them.”