WASHINGTON DC: Just days after facing a voter backlash at the mid-term elections, US President Donald Trump has taken steps to address one of the issues believed to have fuelled the massive swing towards the Democratic Party.
Mr Trump, as US Commander in Chief, overnight ordered the US Navy aircraft carrier, USS Abraham Lincoln, to leave its current port of San Diego to anchor off the Californian coast.
He then flew in the recently renamed Donald J Trump Air Force One to California where he was then transported to appear at a rally of service personnel on the deck of the massive ship which he announced had been renamed the Donald J Trump Abraham Lincoln.
At the rally President Trump made a four-hour speech touching on a range of subjects including discussion in detail complete with large photos and other illustrations of his pet projects to build or renovate of various Washington DC landmarks, the shape of various men’s buttocks, the penis size of late golf champion Arnold Palmer, and his own success at passing a number of dementia tests.
“Nobody scores so high, so very, very high, on dementia tests than me,” he boasted.
After performing the Village People’s YMCA dance for around 30 minutes, Mr Trump then declared “mission accomplished” in Iran and also declared that he had ordered the Donald J Trump Abraham Lincoln to undertake an immediate deployment to see if it could break its recently set record of staying at sea for more than 10 months.
“See! I know what people want,” he said as sailors lunged at the President before being beaten back by MPs and Donald J Trump Secret Service agents.
“They all love me,” Mr Trump added.
After the speech Mr Trump spoke at reporters and confirmed that the event marked the 43rd occasion on which he had declared “mission accomplished” in Iran and that nothing of any consequence had occurred to justify the statement.
“That’s irrelevant. So quiet! Quiet piggy!” he said. “I’m a stable genius and I know what people want to hear.
“So it’s vital that I make this statement today because it’s so important for the Republican Party if we are to avoid another swing against the party when I run in 2028,” he added.
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Back in Washington after his flying visit to California, Mr Trump summoned Vice-President JD Vance to the Oval Office for a private conversation.
Observers believed the meeting would be an opportunity for the President to privately berate his Vice-President for alleged disloyalty by blatantly blaming the Iran war and by extension Mr Trump for the backlash against Republicans at the mid-terms.
“But that’s not what happened,” a White House insider said. “The meeting was very short but went well and there was no animosity expressed by the President.
“In fact all the President wanted to ask Mr Vance was what his initials ‘JD’ stood for.
“The President admitted that Mr Vance had been his Veep for two years and would be for a further two years, but he’s never actually known his full name.”
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Voter focus groups hurriedly arranged by the Republican Party have identified the presidential candidate most likely to help resurrect its fortunes at the 2028 election.
A party insider said a range of hypothetical candidates were presented to the focus group members.
“The focus groups were literally given a blank sheet of paper and asked who they thought would do a better job as President than Donald Trump,” the insider said.
“A handful of them wrote down familiar names such as Vice-President JD Vance, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Donald Trump Junior, and even Melania and Barron Trump.
“But the overwhelming majority identified Psychrolutes Marcidus, otherwise known as the smooth-head blobfish, or more commonly the blobfish, as being a smarter, more honest, and more attractive candidate than Mr Trump. (below)
“If the focus groups are anything to go by, the blobfish would perform far better than any current Republican Party identity at the 2028 election, but there is the issue of whether it would be eligible to run.
“It’s native to waters off Australia and New Zealand so it may not be deemed a US citizen as required by our Constitution,” the insider said.
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