Bloody hell! We’re only into the second month of Spring, the beach and its warming water beckon but sharks around the nation seem to be acquiring an above-normal appetite for the taste of budgie smugglers or a barely visible but cute thong that tastes just a bit fishy! Then the snakes – we have 15 of the world’s 10 most poisonous species – are out and about and keen for a bite and you’d all better stop feeding your neighbourhood birds for fear of succumbing to bird flu. It’s not looking good, is it? But the better news is that we can all get through this if we simply follow the infallible advice of the world’s greatest soothsayer.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You lie awake in your bed most of the night just staring at your ceiling and wondering if you’re the only person in Australia who doesn’t know what the QR in QR code stands for.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You’re in a similar quandary as Libra above but at least you do have small periods of fitful sleep for knowing it has something to do with Queensland Railways even though you’re clued up enough to know that’s not the answer.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You vow never to trust social mediocre ever again after being sucked in by an X post claiming that following the retirement of Alan Kohler, federal shadow treasurer Tim Wilson has resigned from federal politics to replace Kohler as the ABC’s national finance and business guru.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

As a proud Queenslander or as someone who knows one, and refusing to believe the latest Newspoll that has Pauline Hanson ahead as preferred PM in the Sunshine State, you travel the length and breadth of Morons (sic) territory talking to hundreds of typical banana-benders in regional and rural areas and sadly find the poll is pretty much spot on.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You are momentarily stunned from reading the above star sign because you had no idea that well-known north Queensland coal miner Matt Canavan was one of almost identical triplets.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You can’t believe your luck when walking down a dark and deserted alleyway late at night and armed only with a 3kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter coming the other way and slowly appearing out of the gloom Jillian Segal.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You write to ABC TV News saying how disappointed you are that the 7pm bulletin’s segment showcasing viewer photos continues to reject the myriad of screenshots you have submitted from your Only Fans site.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

While you totally endorse the NRL’s decision to honour Jai Arrow at Sunday’s Big Dance, you do reflect back on that time when elite sportsmen and women celebrated a success by pretending to fire a bow in Jai’s honour, and you were quite embarrassed then for wondering what they would have done if Jai’s surname had been Longbottom, Fuchs or Kunts. Luckily, you didn’t share that with anyone.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You’re no expert of laws governing truth in advertising and fair trading matters, but seeing we’ve tipped over into October, marking 24 months since the last Queensland state election, you do wonder why the LNP government of David Crisafulli hasn’t been heavily fined for the plethora of electronic media advertising still banging on about “your new LNP government…” It’s half-way through a four-year term, for fuck’s sake, you mutter to yourself.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

The only upside to that is you hear that former Queensland Premier Peter Beattie is highly depressed over the Crisafulli government’s massive current ad spend, sometimes just boastful claims of achievements made or grand plans in place with no real interest in hearing any voter feedback, and that Beattie’s neighbours can often hear him muttering: ‘I never thought of using taxpayers’ money like that so long after an election and so far before the next one! It’s brilliant!”

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You breathe a deep sigh of relief over the news that there is no constitutional barrier to Pauline Hanson becoming Prime Minister in 2028 is she stays in the Senate. You were truly worried that if Barnaby Joyce stayed put in the Lower House and retained New England, we’d have a PM whose media skills are negligible, who’s incapable of stringing a logical argument together, whose grasp of politics and the needs of average Australians is non-existent and someone already drunk … without the power of such high office. At least with Hanson, we’ll …. oh, wait. Holy shit! At least Joyce has a measurable IQ.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

Still, being a typical Virgo who tries to stay positive and see things in the best possible light, you do think it would be nice to see Aunty Pauline, national leader of the white indigenous One Nation people, achieve the highest political office in the land, something that not just her own mob who’ve roamed parts of Down Under for decades but white Australians born here generally should be most proud of.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!