SPORT:

Embattled AFL club, the Sydney Swans, and the code’s national governing body, the Australian Football League, have announced separate initiatives they plan to take in the wake of the sex scandal that hit the club last week and remains the subject of a police investigation.

A spokesperson for the Swans said club officials had been impressed by weekend news reports of the athletic performances of Chinese-made humanoid robots including the achievement by one robot in breaking Usain Bolt’s record time for running 100 metres. (below)

“The club’s board has directed that the contracts for all Swans players will be terminated forthwith and all of them will be replaced immediately by Chinese-made humanoids,” the spokesperson said.

“In fact a fleet of new Swans players is already being trialled in Beijing as we speak.” (main picture)

The spokesperson said the Swans’ directors believed there were numerous advantages to substituting human players with humanoid robots.

“For a start we don’t need to pay them, plus we won’t be wasting any more time with weekly training session or training camps – the head coach will just reprogram the new players’ computers – plus injuries will be a thing of the past with robotic parts just being replaced during a game if damaged.

“But above all, the board was convinced to make the change by one simple feature of the robots – none of them have cocks,” the spokesperson said.

Meanwhile the AFL has announced plans to rebrand some teams in the wake of the sexual assault allegations levelled against members of the Sydney Swans.

An AFL spokesperson said the organisation’s board had approved the name-change following the alleged incident involving five Sydney Swans in a Melbourne hotel last week.

“From now on our 18 current member clubs in five states will be required to compete by fielding men’s teams under the banner of the Australian Fuckwits’ League,” the spokesperson said. “The new name will also be applied to the planned new AFL men’s team in Tasmania.

“The board believes this new branding better reflects the ethos of our sport and its players at the elite national level.”

The spokesperson said the name-change would not apply to AFLW teams.

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