The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

Long-term BUGgers would know that our two media columns – this one and its more serious sibling Media Glass House – are compiled by some of the brightest journos ever to cover Brisbane criminal courts when they were working there.

It’s why they often adopt the role of court-reporting educators, striving to teach the craft’s tyros how it’s done in an entirely professional manner! And one of their bugbears over time has been the misuse of the words allegedly and alleged.

And so they’ve turned what’s left of their minds to court stories aired on ABC Queensland news last night (Thursday). And don’t be alarmed if the lesson below doesn’t make much sense. We are talking, after all, about washed-up, old, hack pedants who stubbornly adhere to concepts of logic formed when they started out in another millennium.

Here’s what caught their attention. Newsreader Jessica van Vonderen introduced a yarn about two school stabbings and used allegedly correctly about a boy bailed after he allegedly stabbed another student at a school in Brisbane’s south, and used alleged correctly once more when mentioning the alleged offender. Pretty basic rules concerning fairness and balance in media court reporting, right?

But moments later, Jessica said the south Queensland report was about “one of two stabbing incidents heard in courts in Queensland today”. No qualification there, right? A stabbing is always a stabbing, right? Generally painful; sometimes fatal.

So let’s now look at reporter Josh McIntosh’s handling of the southern Queensland incident: “A seventeen-year-old student from a school in Brisbane’s south is in a stable condition in hospital after he was allegedly stabbed”.

Fair enough. Maybe he wasn’t stabbed but Jessica had moments earlier suggested he was! So what was it? Josh kicked off his report with: “A school community reeling after violence.” So violence happened. Nothing alleged about that so fair enough.

Josh again: “He suffered wounds to his back and torso”. Clearly he wasn’t shot then. A stabbing seems fairly obvious and it would be very unlikely the student was attacked with a rotary egg-beater. So the pedants who compile this column reckon allegedly was not needed there. But to be fair, as they always try to be, they thought Josh nailed the use of allegedly perfectly well when reporting on the Childrens Court video appearance by the 16-year-old charged over the incident. Or should that be alleged incident?

We only did that because our compilers often do wonder if the shit they were taught about how to cover courts well amounts to a hill of beans in the 21st Century? Nowadays, they’re not even sure Josh’s first use of allegedly was all that bad after all. Who gives a fuck anymore anyway, they ponder? Crap they were taught, like people are charged with murder, not over murder. People are not charged with alleged murder. Just fucking murder. And apart from these stupid old farts, who cares if this generation’s scribes throw allegedly and alleged around like confetti at an old-fashioned wedding?

Maybe Jessica can give us a clue as to the best way forward as she introduced the next yarn about the state government’s response to such school violence? “[the police minister] says schools are safe despite two stabbings in two days”.

Stabbings! Our column compilers rushed to their main grog fridge, perhaps foolishly thinking all is not quite lost. Well not yet, anyway.

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