MATTERS OF THE HEART!

Two of Australia’s entertainment icons have issued a joint statement expressing their sorrow that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese would “rather slip one to someone else”.

In a heartfelt joint admission, Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman and stage actor and chanteuse Rhonda Burchmore both revealed they had undergone extensive therapy over many years to try to rid themselves of never-ending dreams of what it would have been like to have shown Albanese what they were capable of in some sweaty and prolonged “horizontal folk dancing” with their “unrequited romeo”. And, of course, what such an adonis could have done to them!

Both Australian icons were responding to Albanese’s response in a recent cheeky and irreverent podcast interview to a question of whom he’d rather “shag” – Kidman, Burchmore or pop superstar Kyle Minogue and he chose the pint-sized princess of pop.

“We should have been so lucky,” the redheads rued in their statement. “Kyle’s a cute little thing and we suppose she could give Tony a blow job standing up but there’s much more to the ultimate sexual experience than being able to do that.”

Ms Kidman added her own experiences to the statement: “That hunk of a spunk (Albanese) almost cost me my movie career. I lost count of the times when I should have been going over my lines in my trailer and all I could do was fantasise about him giving me 50 lashes with the Robert Young.

“And being a true-blue Aussie of a reasonable height with a schlong to match, I used to almost pass out with pleasure imaging him taking his blue-veined, helmeted, turbo-charged throbster for a run on my carnal highway! After what I had to put up with Tom, Albo could put his turtle head through my jade gates any time he bloody well wanted to.”

Ms Burchmore backed up the Aussie acting icon, expressing her own disappointment – nay, bewilderment – that the PM had so eagerly and quickly picked Minogue.

“Has he ever thought about my legs? Former lovers haven’t called them Waterworks Road for nothing because they go all the way up to The Gap and you can’t tell me the Big Boy hasn’t thought about that and having my gorgeous ankles around the back of his neck for hours on end!

“And his silly, snap, decision means he’s probably never going to dine at the Y and that’s a real pity for both me and my bearded clam because I’ve heard he’s developed a technique over the years of sowing his wild oats that can fair suck a sheila’s sheets up her arse.”

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