A rum-fuelled brawl that put several of our judges of The Bug‘s Media Glass House arse-licker of the month of May in hospital delayed the awarding of probably the Australian mainstream mediocre’s most uncoveted award.

As is often the case, spirited argument in the judges’ room over who should be crowned arselicker for May led to fisticuffs and the throwing of Bundy rum bottles, empty of course. The last of our judges was only discharged from hospital yesterday.

The Bug reported recently that entries had dried up in our prize barrel since an entry from a Newscorpe arselicker (subs, is that a tautology?) lobbed some days out from the competition deadline; this piece of poo puckering from Steve Waterson in the national broadshit The Weekend Australian magazine several weekends ago.

Waterson’s preamble was: ‘I hoped we had hit the bottom of the barrel of government stupidity during Covid, but our politicians’ shameless ineptitude and brazen lies continue to erode the nation’s foundations.’

And so it has come to pass. As one of our judges said by pencil and notepaper seeing his jaw was wired up and his remaining teeth missing: “Look, we accepted that yarn was going to take some beating and so it has turned out; there are now a number of senior executives in Holt Street, Sydney, as well as a certain really old cunt in New York and his equally cunt of a son who won’t need dunny paper to wipe their arses any time soon.”

“Waterson’s excellent tongue-in-groove techniques, his honed ring-mastery skills and his cloacal cleaning abilities courtesy of a well-trained and persistent Robert Young that had him rimming with confidence on this occasion; it was truly first arse … sorry class!

So why the dust-up in the judging room? While it’s true that Waterson was always going to be favourite, several judges pushed hard for this contribution from Caleb Bond.

“And one of our colleagues always votes for Gerard Henderson, even in those rare months where he hasn’t entered a large number of opinion offerings as to why the ABC should be sold off to some international media baron.”

STARTLING ADMISSION: Our ALOTM judges never got around to reading Waterson’s piece, instead just making very unprofessional assumptions based on the graphic used – where it appears only Labor politicans have broken through the barrel bottom and the judges’ wild and crazy guess that fuckups during Covid would have been largely at the hands of woke, goody-two-shoes Labor state governments – and the journal he contributes to.

If in the remotest of chances Waterson has delivered a balanced study of this nation’s current politicians on both sides of politics, and he has given the likes of Angus Taylor, coalminer Matt Canavan, the Beetrooter and Pauline Hanson an equal pasting …ooh, and let’s not forget the Liar from the Shire for his own Covid-era fuckups … could he please let us know and we’ll immediately strip him of his honour and elevate Bond to ALOTM May glory!

Editor’s note: For a very brief time after this post was uploaded, we mistakenly had a chap named Bernard Salt as our May ALOTM winner. We apologise to Bernard for that shoddy, research error and the staff member responsible has been punished…. no Bundy rum for a week!

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