Can The Bug’s world-famous soothsayer Kisma Aryias be completely honest – as he always strives to be? He knows from bitter experience that no matter how much he declares winter to be safe to head out and enjoy, come today Sunshine Staters will rug up and stay indoors for the next three months regardless of how many gas heaters hospitality venues splash about in a futile attempt to lure them out. So, for the next quarter, Kisma will keep the rest of you safe and sound if you heed his unparalleled advice before heading out in your long black coats, scarves and beanies.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You can’t help but think Andrew “Randy Andy” Mountbatten Windsor really did behave like an entitled, thoughtless, exploitative sex fiend when you read that the UK’s Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is being enlisted to help Scotland Yard in its investigation of even more allegations of sexual misbehaviour against the former Duke of York.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You lie awake in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering if you are the only person in Australia who’s never heard of the majority of “famous celebrities” who appeared on Channel Nine’s Shark show overnight. You also wonder if the premiere turned out to be the “blockbuster” the station’s shameless promos had boasted about in recent weeks.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

Or what they’ve ever done in their lives that was never good enough for selection as a contestant in Survivor, Alone, Outlast, I’ve never been a celebrity so get me the fuck out of here, The Mountain and Naked and Afraid.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You’ve reached peak carve out, which means from now on whenever you hear the phrase carve out you’ll shout endless profanities while simultaneously soiling your pants.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You hear on the grapevine that if Pauline Hanson contests a lower-house seat and becomes Prime Minister at the next election, she’ll follow Donald Trump’s lead and make sure everyone in her ministry is even dumber than she is.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

After hearing that Tony Abbott has become the Liberal Party’s national president and there’ll be no challenge to Angus Taylor as Opposition Leader, you ring around the major online bookies for odds of an LNP win at the next federal election and they all say you are welcome to frame your own odds.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You actually welcome Tony Abbott’s return to a central role in Australian politics because you’ve really missed that funny little in-and-out, parrot-like thing he does with his tongue whenever he thinks he’s being exceptionally clever or funny, which is all the time.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You are not at all surprised to hear that Peta Credlin might quit her Sky LNPNews job and go to work once more with Tony Abbott, seeing she really enjoyed beavering away under him as his chief-of-staff when he was prime minister.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

After your inaugural podcast secures zero downloads and listeners, you belatedly realise you misheard a colleague at the pickling plant where you work talking about how everyone he knows loves true brine podcasts.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

It’s no real comfort to you that the pickling plant’s cleaner who also heard your co-worker’s remarks also registered no listeners to their true grime podcast. 

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You wonder if its possible to get the following short sharp message sent to all the residents of South East Asian nations: “FFS, can you and your mates stop squeezing into barely navigable pitch-black flood-prone caves?”

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

There was to be a prediction here for those born under the Taurus star sign but it fell victim to a carve-out. Luckily, however, we had this spare one…

You also wonder if you’re the only person in Australia disappointed that Scott Cam wasn’t bitten clean in half in last night’s Channel 9 Shark unreality TV opener.

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