RELIGION:

HEAVEN: God Almighty has announced plans to establish two new global organisations in response to ongoing efforts by US President Donald Trump to promote himself and his Make America Great Again agenda by co-opting Christian religious imagery . (main picture)

At a news conference at the Pearly Gates the Lady Almighty (below) said she had been forced to act after Trump had persisted in portraying himself in misleading ways.

“I am also acting in the face of the sickening and obsequious grovelling to Trump by some so-called ‘Christians’ who regularly mislead others by publicly praying for him, laying hands on him, and Lording him… sorry, I mean lauding him while insisting that he is acting in line with my expectations,” she said.

“After Trump’s first term and so far in his second term, everyone in the world knows or should know that he is far from being anywhere near an angelic, benign, and positive force in the world adhering to Christian values.

“The truth is he is a raving, corrupt, lying, self-serving fascist, without a single Christian bone in his bloated, flabby, fake-tanned, fast-food-engorged body.

“Plus he’s incontinent and has advanced dementia. Actually I need to take credit for those two,” the Omnipotent All-Seeing Being added with a wink and a slight smile.

“I have stood by watching him devalue Christian values and beliefs and I can’t take it any longer.

“That’s why I am starting up two rival MAGA groups to accommodate people who are being turned off by Trump’s antics.

“My new organisations – Make Agnosticism Great Again and Make Atheism Great Again – will give those disillusioned people a safe place to be with others who are also questioning their beliefs or who have decided to quit their Christian church and beliefs altogether in the wake of the actions of Trump and his religious-right acolytes.

“I am fully aware – that goes with the job, as you all know – that these two new groups will come at a cost to the churches that are aligned with me as people abandon or suspend their belief in me.

“But it’s a price I am willing to pay and, after all, it will be only a temporary setback. After all Trump can’t live forever. Or, in fact, much longer,” the All-Seeing Celestial Being said while winking again and tapping the side of her nose with a forefinger.

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