A mass audience walkout at a musical show’s opening night in Brisbane might also prove to be its one and only performance.

My theatre friends in the Sunshine State capital tell me it was largely mothers with adolescent children who left their seats last night and headed to the exits not long into the premiere performance of Pretty Woman, the Musical.

Some shouted obscenities at the shocked actors on stage and I’m now reliably informed the entire Australian run of what was a very successful Broadway production a decade ago might now be in serious doubt.

Here’s what one visibly upset mother told media outside the Lyric Theatre on Brisbane’s South Bank: “We all accepted that the original movie was centred on a young woman down on her luck who resorts to prostitution to get by but it’s still basically a story of true love and redemption and it’s one I thought my twelve-year-old Buhlindar was old enough and mature enough to be able to understand and cope with.

“And while I’d read that the stage show stayed pretty true to the movie storyline, I couldn’t believe how much time was devoted to the scene where Vivian offers Edward a choice of colours for the condom he’ll be wearing for sex.

“Okay, some of the jokes were funny, especially when Vivian explained why the black condom costs quite a bit more and might too easily slip off but once they agreed on using a bright yellow one, I’m pretty sure in the movie Vivian doesn’t apply the condom using her mouth.

“‘Was that a real stiffy?’ Buhlindar asked me rather innocently as we stormed out but while I could explain it was probably a stage prop, from where we were sitting close to the front it did look real with veins and everything but what was the point in even trying to explain that?”

“Can you even imagine the disappointment Buhlindar is going to experience in her adult sexual life if she stays in Australia and never encounters a cock that large with a bellend that could have choked Linda Lovelace?”

Another mother who took her two teenage children to the opening night added: “I know sex sells but did they have to show so many sex positions the two lead actors simulated as they cumpleted (sic) their financial agreement. It made the Karma Sutra look like a double-sided A5 pamphlet!”

A third audience member was angry for a totally different reason: “I love fashion and although a lot of people thought the extended clothes-buying scenes in the 1990 fillum (sic) were way overdone and have become the trademark script-padding-out technique for projects with struggling storylines, as most of them are these days, but those scenes in the stage play were far too short for mine. There should have been far more lovely frocks to admire and daydream about one day being able to afford. And having a husband that looked like Richard Gere, of course.”

Another complained: “And what was with all these so-so musical numbers that no-one had ever heard of before? For fuck’s sake, they didn’t even use Roy Orbison’s original song!”

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