TEL AVIV: In a stunning reversal of his previous position, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says he now backs a Palestinian state and has challenged others to do the same.

Following a cabinet meeting to decide on future genocidal tactics in Gaza, Mr Netanyahu said he would ask France, Britain, Canada, and possibly Australia to join him in recognising a Palestinian state at a September meeting of the United Nations.

“I will save all those antisemitic nations a lot of time and effort by having Israel itself immediately recognise a Palestinian state,” he said.

“And here it is,” he added, pointing to a 44-gallon drum filled with blood-stained sand, rubble, and what appeared to be body parts. (main picture)

“After the sensitive humanitarian efforts Israel has undertaken in Gaza in almost two years including the good work the IDF and Israeli settlers have been doing in the West Bank, this is the sum total of what’s left to form a Palestinian state.

“So I have no problem whatsoever in recognising it and I challenge the antisemitic governments of France, the UK, Canada, and Australia take the same position.

“Did I mention those countries were antisemitic?” Mr Netanyahu asked before again labelling all four nations as antisemitic several more times.

“In fact anyone who disagrees with or criticises Israel’s recognition of this Palestinian state is also antisemitic,” he added.

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CANBERRA: Speech therapists working with Opposition Leader Ssussan Ley say they are making progress in resolving a recently arising problem with her public utterances.

“Just in the past week we have managed to get Ms Ley to a position where she uttered the word ‘starvation’ in the context of Israel’s treatment of Palestinians in Gaza,” said one therapist who did not wish to be identified.

“We are now undertaking numerous and intensive therapy sessions to see if she can enunciate the word ‘genocide’ when talking about Israel’s tactics in Gaza.

“We are also working on having her utter words in support of a Palestinian state.

“I have to admit that it is pretty hard work, but luckily we have the benefit of some very good material for Ms Ley to practise articulating such concepts.

“It’s very fortunate that we found a lot of her past speeches in Hansard backing the Palestinian cause that we can use in our therapy sessions, even though she swears she can’t remember delivering any of those speeches whatsoever,” the therapist said.

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WASHINGTON DC: The US Secret Service says it has developed a plan to avoid a repeat of the recent decision to ask authorities in Ohio to raise the level of the Little Miami River to enable Vice-President JD Vance and his family to go kayaking on a family holiday. (below)

A Secret Service spokesperson said the Vance family trip posed unique challenges because of the physical stature of the Vice-President himself.

“We recognise now that the problem at the heart of this controversy was the fact that while the Vice-Presdient is hardly a skinny guy, he’s not all that chubby either,” the spokesperson said.

“Using that fact we have brainstormed a solution to any similar problem arising in the future.

“It involves the V-P asking President Trump to tag along on any more Vance family kayaking holidays and have him jump in the river or lake.

“That should take care of any problems about the water level,” the spokesperson said.

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