The Brisbane Bolts have sensationally pulled out of this weekend’s JDG grand final against the Adelaide Anthrax in protest against the decision by the Sport Australia Hall of Fame to once again snub some of the great Bolts players over the decades.

Bolts managing director Terry Verandah, his voice wavering with uncontrollable anger, launched an obscenity-laden attack on the organisation after it announced yesterday its seven inductees for 2025: two-time Grand Slam champion Lleyton Hewitt, four-time VFL/AFL premiership winner Jason Dunstall, Commonwealth Games and Netball World Cup winner Laura Geitz, three-time NRL premiership winner Cameron Smith, our most capped Socceroo Mark Schwarzer, and Olympic and X-Games Snowboard gold medallist Torah Bright.

Speaking to reporters this morning after emerging from a long lunch at the Oily Palms gentlemen’s club in the industrial suburb of Acacia Ridge, Verandah said: “Those seven are all fine athletes but did they ever put their lives on the line on the sporting battlefield?

“How many confirmed deaths can they brag about?” Verandah spat out.

“The Bolts had been overlooked for far too long and the club still can’t believe its greatest ever player Dennis Rader has never been so honoured. Dennis is the Wally Lewis of our sport.

“All youse dung-punching maggots in the media need to fuck over those Hall of Fame wankers otherwise this stain on Aussie sportsmanship will be as hard to shift as those on my office daybed,” Verandah said while wildly waving a machete at reporters to clear a path to his car.

Rader, the US serial killer who called himself BTK – Bind Torture Kill – slaughtered at least 10 people in Wichita and Park City, Kansas, from 1974 but lived in Australia during a 13-year killing hiatus between 1991 and 2004. He was an integral member of the Bolts’ JDG championship three-repeat from 1994-6 and is pictured at top kitted up for a big game during the 1995 season. (Image courtesy Brisbane Bolts).

The club’s long-term coach Jack Saunders backed up Verandah’s bitter disappointment that the likes of Rader and the many fine killing machines who followed him have never made the hall of fame.

“But Rader was truly a one-off. He often played entire matches dressed in women’s clothes and wearing a white female mask. And, wow, the way he used plastic bags over heads, torture, strangulation and hanging to overcome opponents who foolishly entered his defensive quadrant. Brilliant.

“And who will ever forget how he celebrated on field after a kill, tying himself up in the very ropes he had used on opposition players, stuffing ladies’ knickers down his throat and engaging in erotic autoasphixiation while masturbating and humming the Bolts’ battle hymn.

“The fans loved him. They really did.”

When pressed on Rader’s murderous record off the field that was finally revealed back in the US, Saunders said: “I’m sure it was just a bit of hi-jinks – just some good natured horseplay.

“All I know is that he really enjoyed his three years with us and was very proud of his lawful killing tally even though he reckoned the thrill was never quite the same.”

The Bolts legal counsel Dicky Shearman KC also issued a warning to Sport Australia Hall of Fame from his cell at the Arthur Gorrie Correctional Centre at Wacol: “Add at least Rader’s name to the hall of fame right now! We know where you live and where all your children go to school.”

DISCLAIMER: The Bug is an official sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.

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