Others make little sense!

“Hey Buddy,” The Bug’s editor instructed me over the phone a wee while ago, “Can you throw something light and fluffy together for us today, what with it being the Sabbath and all and fuck-all people will be reading us?”

“Sure, boss,” I replied, just thankful he had phoned while I was still at home between the two church services I religiously attend each and every Sunday morning.

So what to write, I thought? Then it dawned on me; I’ve never written a column that certainly comes under the umbrella of entertainment: namely the joy I get from comparing what mainstream media fillum reviewers write about flicks and how their words stack up against the number of stars they then award the cinema project being reviewed.

Trust me. It’s a lot of fun and I owe The Bug’ resident fillum critic thanks for sparking this interest.

Ever since The Bug was launched in 1989 in hardcopy form, this aforementioned reviewer had a very basic system for reviewing fillums.

He automatically gave any film a starting star just for being a fillum, based on his argument that even really bad fillums are worth watching, much like the Chrismas rom-coms he’s strangely addicted to. He then added a star if the flick included a steam train, and another star if any actress flashed her tits.

Childish and undergraduate, I know, but you know what? As a rating system, it kinda worked really well. For example, if Raffaella Carrà had gotten the girls out in Von Ryan’s Express, our man would have given that three stars just for starters.

Now while I would never have followed his childish lead, he was the inspiration for this little game I’ve played for decades now. Read all the words a critic pens about a movie and then try to guess the rating – usually out of five – given to the show.

This morning’s The Sun-Herald has the perfect example: Sandra Hall’s review of the music biopic Maria.

Play the game along with me. As you can see from the heading and stand first for Sandra’s critique (above) it doesn’t bode well, does it? I’ve kept the rating for later reveal.

Sandra can’t be blamed for whoever wrote those but how about how she finishes her piece? ”…but this stripped-down version [of opera singer Maria Callas’s life or at least the last few weeks of it] left me feeling short changed.”

Now it’s true that Sandra (I make no apologies for calling her that as we’re old friends) does say that Angelina Jollie’s performance is great and the film itself “exquisitely realised”, she does add that the film is “relentlessly downbeat and frustratingly slow”.

It doesn’t sound as if Sandra would have been too chuffed if she had been forced to pay $20 to ensure its 124 minute screening time. Or that she’d ever want to see it again.

So, are we ready for the reveal? What did Sandra award this “soap opera” that “doesn’t quite sing” and was “relentlessly downbeat and frustratingly slow” and left her “feeling short changed”.
Here it comes!

That’s a pretty solid and supportive rating, is it not? Almost wants you to take out a loan and rush out to see Maria, complete with some popcorn, drink and choc top.

It’s why I enjoy this little game I play and I invite all you BUGgers out there to join in. You’ll rarely be disappointed.

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