Just because you’ve survived the first month of summer doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods just yet. But you can venture out safely into a spooky and unknown 2025 if you religiously follow the wise advice of the world’s greatest ever soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own, incredibly accurate, the wonder and only Kisma Aryias!

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

Finding yourself with a few hours to spare one afternoon, you sit down and write a Netflix Christmas romance that will be snapped up immediately by All Canada Entertainment and will hit the streaming service by early December this year.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You’ll leave it to others to try to think of a title that All Canada Entertainment hasn’t already used.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You will lie awake in bed all night wondering if you were the only person in Australia who hardly recognised a single name among all the “entertainers” used by the TV networks for their Xmas and NYE variety specials.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

But you did take in the 50-year John Farnham special a week or so back and had to reluctantly and finally admit – after years of taking the piss – that the bloke could actually sing quite well.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You note that following the death of former US President Jimmy Carter, gambling companies around the world have suspended their exotic markets for picking which former US commander-in-chief should be the next one to expire, due to only one of the possibilities attracting any bets.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You also note that the same gambling companies had been offering bets on only four of five former US Presidents because they were doubtful about the status of Joe Biden.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You start to warm to the idea put forward by your fellow star signs who point out that 20 January is not far off now and they’re willing to have a whip-round to pay for your return air fares to Miami, Florida and all expenses so you can fly out as soon as possible and weave your magic as aggressively as possible.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted dimly lit lane late at night and armed with a 3.2kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter Ricky Ponting’s speaking coach.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You’ve now watched so many repeats of Would I Lie to You? on the newish ABC Channel 23 that you are starting to wonder if Rob Brydon, David Mitchell and Lee Mack are as brilliantly droll in that way only the British can be and as quick-witted as they clearly think they are… or have you in fact been just a little conned by all that forced audience applause over all these years?

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Especially now that you change channels immediately if Bob Mortimer is not one of the panellists.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You bump into former PM Scott Morrison at the airport heading to Hawaii and he explains he saw news of the summer bushfires already devastating parts of the nation and force of habit just kicked in!

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You toss and turn all night, unable to sleep as you come to grips with the real possibility that come May or even earlier, Michaelia Cash will be Australia’s attorney-general. But then, just before dawn, you remember just how badly Mark Dreyfus has fucked up the National Anti-Corruption Commission and you finally get to slumber, albeit rather fitfully.

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