There’s lots in store for ’24 and, as always, our world famous and extremely accurate in-house soothsayer KISMA ARYIAS has it all covered. Follow his infallible advice and you’re going to find your travels through 2024 a totally safe and pleasurable experience.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

As a backer of renewable energy you are excited when the Snowy Hydro 2.0 project announces that Florence, its previously bogged multi-billion-dollar boring machine, has made rapid progress after being restarted and has broken through – to Beijing. (main picture)

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You are not at all surprised that when he is asked to comment, Malcolm Turnbull says he has never heard of Florence nor the vastly over-budget Snowy 2.0 project for that matter.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

By way of contrast Bunnings Australia warmly welcomes the new direct access channel provided by Florence.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

Having watched TV ads showing new burgers from McDonald’s and Hungry Jacks at least twice the height of the burger that will be pushed across the counter, you wonder if either company has ever been fined under trade practices for false advertising.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Having watched all the promos for the 2024 offerings from the free-to-air TV channels, your heart melts for all those Australians who can’t afford the cost of the ever-growing streaming services being offered out there.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

After listening to National Party leader David Littleproud reflect on political events in 2023 you swear he actually said that the result of the 14 October referendum on a First Nations’ Voice to Parliament was the white outcome for the nation.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You are also not surprised to hear Liberal Party Leader Peter Dutton suggest that in the interests of national unity no further constitutional referendums should ever be held unless they have bipartisan opposition.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You can’t believe your luck when walking down a poorly lit laneway late at night and armed only with a 3.5kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the Channel 9 executive who still thinks Karl Stefanovic is a breakfast TV asset.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

At that party you threw last night to see in 2024 your announcement went over moderately well, namely to all those in attendance that your new year’s resolution is to start a public campaign to resurrect the seemingly defunct annual “free the nipple” day not only because you believe in equal rights, empowering women to take control of their bodies, and because it helps address serious social problems linked to body-shaming and poor self-image but mainly because you haven’t clapped eyes on a decent pair of tits for years.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

All the others at your feminist lesbians-only party totally agree and not only offer to join your campaign but immediately free their nipples in solidarity.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Having spent some time recently in hospital and worried what might happen as pretty young nurses changed your dressings right down on your lower abdomen, you send silent thanks to Michaelia Cash and Sussan Ley for their roles in a three-way group sex session you conjured up to ensure nothing popped up to cause acute embarrassment.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

But you were concerned that you did identify visually as female for quite some hours after using that imagery to spare yourself any blushes.

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