In the wake of the Liberal Party’s devastating defeat in the Aston by-election on Saturday, former party leader and prime minister, Malcolm Turnbull, spoke to The Bug to discuss his claim that the result showed that the “chickens had come home to roost” after the party had shifted too far to the political right.

The Bug: Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

MT: No problem, no problem at all. It’s a pleasure to be able to reflect on my prime ministership.The Age of Enlightenment or the Golden Era of Liberalism as it is known and for very good reasons.

The Bug: Who calls it that?

MT: Well, I do.

The Bug: I see. Now don’t you think it’s a tad hypocritical that you have once again been quick out of the blocks to attack your old party and its current leader, Peter Dutton, in the aftermath of a by-election disaster when you were once in exactly the same position?

MT: How so?

The Bug: In July 2018 before the by-election in the Queensland seat of Longman you said exactly what Mr Dutton said – that the result would be a measure of your standing against the then opposition leader Bill Shorten. (below)

MT: Hmmmm.

The Bug: And you lost what was expected to be an easy seat to pick up and soon after you were toppled as party leader and PM.

MT: And your point is?

The Bug: Well, my point is that you regularly enter the public debate to attack your old party and its leadership and at the same time you try to spin your time as leader as being a great success when it so clearly wasn’t.

MT: Well give me an example.

The Bug: Well how about the big one – climate change policy. You achieved fuckall, excuse the French. You were constantly adjusting your position to accommodate the climate deniers in the ranks of the coalition parties. You couldn’t achieve you signature climate policy – the National Energy Guarantee. You chickened out.     

MT: But, but, but, buk, buk, buk ….. you’re ignoring my courageous leadership on the issue of same-sex marriage. That law was passed when I was PM.

The Bug: Yes, true. The same-sex marriage law was passed. But courageous leadership? It  wasn’t a government-backed law. It was a Private Member’s Bill and you refused to directly legislate until after a national postal ballot showed what everyone knew was overwhelming public support.

MT: But, but, buk, buk, bukark!

The Bug: Again you chickened out.

MT: But, but, buk, buk, bukark!

The Bug: On the Voice to Parliament you were one of the first to try to appease the right wingers in your party by denigrating it as a “third chamber” of parliament which it has never been.

MT: But, but, buk, buk, bukark!

The Bug: It’s true. That’s what you did. You supported the Uluru process then chickened out on seeing it and its recommendations implemented.

MT: But, but, buk, buk, bukark!

The Bug: And let’s not even start on the issue of an Australian republic. You – a former head of the republic movement – were PM and in a position to, at the bare minimum, initiate a republic debate. But you sat on your hands and came up with some embarrassing bullshit about being an Elizabethan – in fact you said all Australians were Elizabethans – and added that we all needed to wait for the Queen’s reign to be over before we could even whisper the word “republic”. Again it was all a sop to the right wingers in your party.

MT: But, but, buk, buk, bukark!

The Bug: Let’s face facts. And I admit that here I may well lose some of my journalistic impartiality. But frankly, you’re a fucking empty, useless, fraud who ponces around reinventing or ignoring your own history. Chickens coming home to roost? The chickens already had a home thanks to you and your gutless self-serving so-called “leadership” that was based on arselicking the right wing in your own Liberal Party and keeping the fruitcakes in the National Party happy just to stay in your job. You more than anyone else built and inhabited the fucking Liberal Party chicken coop when you were PM.

MT: But, but, but, buk, buk, buk, bukark!

At that point Mr Turnbull began running madly around the room in the fashion of a …. well, like a headless chook, before smashing face-first into a wall and knocking himself unconscious.