ELIZABETHAN ERA SADLY ENDS:

Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has dampened the spirits of all those hoping that Australia’s moves to a republic will be hastened by the overnight death of Queen Elizabeth the Second.

“Just as I’ve always known that all Australians have been Elizabethans these past seven decades – and there wasn’t a single Australian who wanted a republic while she was alive – I also believe all Australians are now devoted and committed Chuckarians,” Mr Turnbull said of Britain’s new monarch King Charles the Third.

Mr Turnbull was speaking at a hastily arranged media call on the footpath outside his Sydney Harbourside mansion just after dawn.

“King Charles the Third of Australia is only 73 years old, and God willing, he will probably reign for the best part of three decades,” said arguably Australia’s best-ever PM, his voice choked with emotion.

“And I can’t see all Australians – devoted Chuckarins as they are, to a man, woman and child -wanting to move away from the monarchy just now.

“All Australians believe in a fair go and they want to see King Charles the Third prove that he’s much more than just someone who talks to plants and had no other ambition in life as a younger man than to be a tampon.

“While I brilliantly lead the campaign for an Australian republic back in 1999 before I finally realised all Australians were Elizabethans, all Australians now want King Charles the Third to be given the chance to shine as monarch and Australia’s head of state.

“Just like his mother, God bless her departed soul, King Charles will always have the interests of all Australians first and foremost in his mind.”

Mr Turnbull scoffed at suggestions he would not be invited to Queen Elizabeth’s funeral and King Charles’s glittering coronation.

“I’m the closest this country has ever had to royalty. Of course the royal family will want me there to grieve with them and then herald in the reign of the new King of Australia.

“Mark my words, King Charles will make a wonderful Australian head of state but as soon as he passes, I think Australian will finally be ready to sever the ties that bind us to Mother England!”

Mr Turnbull paused briefly to allow the media scrum to let his words of wisdom sink in fully before adding: “Good heavens, I forgot about King Charles’s oldest boy who is now heir to the throne!

“I’ve always believed all Australians are Williamarians at heart and as soon as King William passes on, some 60 years from now after about 35 years on the throne, I firmly believe Australia will be wise enough and mature enough to finally stand on its own two feet.

“I just hope that come that time, someone as brilliant as me with my oratorical skills, silky cadence, unmatched charisma and overpowering presence is around to spearhead that campaign for a republic!

“It won’t be easy though as I firmly believe all Australians are Georgarians.”

Mr Turnbull then turned abruptly and retreated through his mansion’s security gates, whistling Rule Britannia as he went.