Lord Downer in title fight

LORD DOWNER:

Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has lambasted British media outlets for their coverage of his report assessing how the UK’s Border Force agency handles “desperate criminals” trying to enter the country without authorisation.

His Lordship summoned local media representatives to his family seat Pout House to provide his reaction to UK coverage of his report.

After undergoing routine fumigation at the east gate of Pout House (below) reporters were marched the several kilometres to the south wing of Pout House’s mid-winter-retreat cottage where Lord Downer was waiting in its library. (main picture)

His Lordship began by acknowledging the traditional owners of the land on which all were standing – the Downer family.

He then proceeded to draw a draught from an ivory snuff bottle proffered by a young firm-bodied under-butler standing nearby inexplicably naked.

Lord Downer held a forefinger in the air for almost a full minute to silence reporters until he sneezed, then took a lace kerchief from the under-butler to dab his nose before beginning his remarks.

“The British Government, such as it is at the moment, has chosen to release my report which I have spent some considerable time compiling after being commissioned to do so earlier this year,” His Lordship explained, as he said “for the sake of any dullards present ignorant of [his] import and standing on the world stage, especially in the Mother Country”.

Lord Downer then proceeded to outline his report’s recommendations which, as he pointed out, he had written as a heroic poem of some 324 pages.

“I shall not waste my breath reciting my poem in full for you riff raff,” he declared, ensuring the nearby naked under-butler pointed at the assembled reporters on His Lordship’s behalf.

However, Lord Downer did isolate and read aloud one stanza in his report which he declared that the UK Border Force was “performing at a suboptimal level”.

He said that the line summarised his findings and added: “If anyone knows what performing at a suboptimal level is, it is I.”

His Lordship went on to explain his purpose in calling the news conference.

“My reason for assembling you putrid fetid ruffians here today is to correct an appalling mistake evident in reporting of my efforts by your equally putrid and fetid colleagues in the British media,” he said.

His Lordship then directed the naked under-butler to distribute to the reporters a number of clippings from British news outlets which described His Lordship as a former Australian immigration minister. (below)

On receiving the clippings one brave reporter volunteered that he had also noticed that His Lordship had been similarly described in an official statement issued by the British Home Secretary, Priti Patel, who had commissioned him to undertake the review back in February. (below)

On receipt of that information His Lordship fell silent, swooned ever so slightly, then burst into tears and flounced from the library, leaving the naked under-butler to declare that the news conference was at an end.