Following a lengthy absence, The Bug’s in-house medical and sex advice columnist has returned to work from a tour of duty he mistakenly signed up for with Medecins Sans Frontingac, a teetotal group of doctors providing medical services in Third World nations.
Dear Doctor Dick
I like to think I’m a typical no-fuss Aussie bloke. In particular I enjoy a lot of things your average Aussie bloke enjoys, especially taking a dump.
There’s something very satisfying with extruding a solid brown scomo and listening to it plop as it hits the water in the bowl, or perhaps spraying a barnaby after a big curry night.
I do look forward to dallying in the smallest room in the house and find it a time when I can relax, read a book, surf the internet on my phone, or just daydream.
But since being married recently I have found my time enjoying such pursuits has been very much curtailed.
My wife doesn’t seem to appreciate that I need some time to myself and even just a few minutes after closing the door behind me and taking my rightful place on the porcelain throne, she begins nagging me to hurry up, and often knocks on the door to emphasise her point.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the missus to bits but I just need something to keep her at bay when I’m dropping a dutton.
I wonder if you have any ideas?
Doctor Dick replies:
Dear Harassed of Hobart
As a matter of fact I do have a good idea for you to try out.
I must say that your letter is not the first I have ever received from blokes in your position.
For many years I have been asked for ideas about how to keep interfering partners away from the toilet door.
I recently had the bright yet counter-intuitive idea of inventing a toilet spray that doesn’t make the air fresher, but makes it smellier.
This can act as an invisible shield to repel would-be intruders and protect blokes like you from having their rectal recreation time interfered with.
While on assignment with Medecins Sans Frontingac in sub-Saharan Africa I had some spare time to perfect my product by conducting numerous experiments to get the aroma just right.
These ranged from rolling a dead hyena in fresh elephant droppings and leaving it for a fortnight, to mixing giraffe urine with a bucket of faeces extracted from a deceased and diseased camel and leaving it in the sun for a week.
Since returning to Australia and unable to source such products I have perfected a range of aromas that will soon be available to help men like you to defend themselves against defecatory disturbances. (main picture)
While they are not yet on the shelves of major supermarkets I am happy to send you a trial carton and I would be interested to learn how effective they are.