TV identity lashes out

2022 LOGIE AWARDS

A key player in the annual TV Week Logie Awards has lashed out at plans to present a new special award named in honour of the late Bert Newton at tomorrow night’s event due to be telecast live from the Gold Coast.

The longstanding “face” of the Logies, Mr Logie Statuette, called a news conference at the Gold Coast Entertainment Centre to air his concerns to media representatives. (main picture)

“Where’s the fucking special award named in my honour?” a clearly tired and emotional Mr Statuette asked.

“I’ve been turning up at this dreadful ceremony every year since I loaned my name to it in 19-fucking-59.

“So that’s …. what? ….50, no 60…. well, 60-fucking-something years.

“That’s a lifetime of putting up with being pawed and grasped by drunken or drugged talentless ego maniacs, and watching them scoff rubber chicken and cold roast vegetables while they all preen themselves as if they’re God’s gift to the entertainment industry.”

After pausing to belch loudly, Mr Statuette said the award organisers were taking him for granted.

“I liked Bert, don’t get me wrong. But why does he get an award named after him and I don’t?” he said.

“What did Bert have that I haven’t?

“Just like Bert, I’ve got a bald head. Just like Bert, my head is wider than my shoulders. I’ve got the same range as Bert when it comes to facial expressions. I’ve told plenty of dreadfully corny, sexist, and borderline racist jokes in my career. I’ve done plenty of blackface stunts in the past.

“But I’m the one who doesn’t get an award named after him?”

During a pause in his tirade, a reporter pointed out that the very name “Logie Awards” meant every category of winners was named after him.

Mr Statuette, swaying on his feet and scratching himself where his genitals would be if he had any, appeared to think deeply for several moments.

“Oh, yeah,” he said finally. “I guess you’re right.”

Mr Statuette then fell sideways onto the floor, vomited on himself, and fell into a deep sleep while snoring loudly.