Don’t be discontent this winter

Our prescient in-house astrologer finds that the post-election period is a prime time to ponder all sorts of possibilities. And you can step out safely and do all that pondering outdoors if you follow the wise advice of our world-famous soothsayer. Kisma Aryias as always will keep you safe.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You were initially worried about what ex-PM Scott Morrison would do for a living after voters dumped him and his government, but soon realise that as a marketing genius he’d quickly identify his ideal new job in the renewable energy sector. (main picture)

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You lie in bed staring at the ceiling for hours as you ponder why deep-sea creatures who have only ever evolved in total darkness have eyes.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a darkened lane armed only with a 3kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the person who invented reality TV.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You watch Peter Dutton’s first news conference as Liberal Party leader and realise that his declared efforts to present a “softer” image to voters are likely to be hindered by the fact that he doesn’t really smile, but just bares his teeth.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

As you drive around the suburbs you wonder why so many TV sets have been put out on footpaths until you realise that there’s going to be a full week’s coverage of Queen Elizabeth’s platinum jubilee.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

Although you’re well aware that Channel 9’s federal political editor Chris Uhlmann has announced he’ll be retiring by the end of the year you maintain the barrage of letters and emails to Laurie Oakes urging him to make a comeback that you began just days after his own retirement.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You’re still not quite sure why Tanya Plibersek got carpeted for making the observation that a bloke who looks a helluva lot like Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort looks a helluva lot like Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You’ve always been a fair person so you actually call out the words “enough already” when you hear that a Scott Morrison scripture reading at his Horizon Church last Sunday was loudly booed by the congregation.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You believe you have a solid claim for inclusion in the next Guinness World Records Book and write to the publishers to advise them that a set of solar-powered garden lights you bought at Bunnings are all still working after a month.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

The Guinness World Records Book publishers write back to warn you against submitting claims that they know for certain have zero possibility of being genuine.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19.

The news comes as no surprise at all when you hear on the radio that Queensland police are still on the lookout for Peter Dutton’s eyebrows.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder if it’s true when you hear on the news that fabric softener brand Cuddly in a bid to improve its market share is going to change its name to Dutton.