If there is anyone who already knows the outcome of the 21 May federal election it’s our in-house astrologer. But right now all he’s saying is that with three weeks to polling day he can firmly predict that anything can happen and something most definitely will.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You wonder if those at The Australian and elsewhere in News Crap Australia who constantly focus on PM Scott Morrison’s supposed Newspoll lead in the “preferred prime minister” results have paused to consider that the poll’s 2PP results have for some time been showing he is actually the preferred Opposition Leader.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You lie awake in bed at night staring at the ceiling and wondering whether you might be the only person in Australia who doesn’t know if “jumping the shark” is a good or bad thing.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You start to feel a bit sorry for Prince Andrew and wonder if it’s really all that necessary to strip him of his title of The Duke of Pork.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You seek professional help after a series of erotic dreams over five consecutive nights involving you, a tub of lard, a family of quokkas and Michaelia Cash.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
While you appreciated that with the polls barely changing and Scott Morrison getting increasingly desperate with his photo-opportunities, you were still surprised when he ran on in the Sharkies’ starting eleven against the Broncos the other night.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
While shopping for aftershave in a discount pharmacy chain you see a presentation pack of Shane Warne brand men’s fragrances and deodorant but despite its very reasonable price you decide you really don’t want to smell like Shane Warne right now.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You watch and read Phillip Coorey and Chris Uhlmann doing what they do best as fair, balanced and principled journalists and wonder if they were rusted-on Liberals from the very moment of their conception.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
You are not at all surprised when the first 10 questions to Anthony Albanese at each media conference are about his surname, whether he’s embarrassed by it and has he ever considered changing it to a more appropriate Anglo-Saxon sounding one to improve his electoral chances.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
Though you’ve always been a bit of a spelling and pronunciation pedant, after a lifetime of listening to the utterances of TV reporters, politicians, and other public figures and interviewees you finally surrender and write to all dictionary makers recommending that they change “vulnerable” to “vunrubble”.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
You decide all that outrage on Twitter about Scott Morrison giving a Tasmanian whisky distillery $4.5 million in taxpayers’ money must be total bullshit because no-one’s mentioning it in the mainstream media.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
Your patriotic pride takes a bit of a dent when you discover that the authentic Australian black-long-haired sheep’s skin you’ve bought for your dog’s bed was “finished in China”.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
But you feel better when you read that while your Sabco broom might have been “Made in China” the two parts – the handle and the brush head that it screws into – were “Assembled in Australia!”.