AFP deny prayer-room coverup


CANBERRA: The Australian Federal Police have angrily denied any cover-up over claims of sexual shenanigans in the prayer room at Parliament House.

“The matter was fully investigated and our most senior officers found no reason not to close the case,” an AFP spokesperson (above) told The Bug on the condition of anonymity and after explaining he knew where our grown-up children and their families lived.

“Further, our lawyers have been told to commence legal action immediately if any further allegations are expressed on social media or any other platform that the AFP was in any way negligent in its probe.

“We took very seriously the strong rumours that senior politicians in the current parliament had used the parliamentary building’s prayer room to have sex with male prostitutes smuggled into the building.

“We conducted a thorough investigation, only to find the CCTV security cameras inside the prayer room had been out of action for some time in terms of visual recording. That was a real shame.

“We were lucky enough, though, to find audio of activities inside the prayer room at various times during the days and nights when the Houses of Parliament were sitting over recent years and nothing in those recordings suggested any misbehaviour of a sexual nature, certainly nothing remotely criminal.

“In fact our investigators found those audio tapes quite moving as MPs could be heard singing lustily to some of the world’s most famous hymns, including Rock Hard of Ages, How Huge Thou Art, I Bow to Knee, My Country, The Sword’s My Shepherd and Astride With Me.

“In fact our investigations were captivated by one MP with quite a strange falsetto voice and whose love of Jesus clearly ran very, very, deep. He loved to sing along to Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine!

“As a proud and devoted Christian, he clearly loved that song and over quite some months he could be heard belting out the words….

Blessed insertion, Jesus, you’re mine
Oh, what a foreskin taste of glory hole divine
Here I’m salivating, getting purchase on God
Deep in His spirit, while wiping away the blood
Perfect submission, His knees given a test
I’m in my Saviour, am horny and blessed
Watching and waiting, looking from above
Filling Him with goodness, I’m coming my love!, oh oh
This is my story, this is my schlong
Pumping my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my schlong
Pumping my Savior all the foot long, oh oh oh oh

“With no evidence whatsoever of any criminal activity taking place in that prayer room, we had no choice but to terminate the investigation,” the AFP spokesperson said.