The speech Albo should have made!

The Bug’s ranter-in-residence admits he’s a crash-through-or-crash sort of guy in the style of his hero Gough Whitlam but, nevertheless, here’s the speech he wishes Anthony Albanese had made in his Budget reply last Thursday.

Men and women of Albanesia

Before I outline some of the plans my incoming government will implement, I want to explain to that lazy, lying, loathsome layabout opposite (points to the PM) – yes, I’m talking to you, cunt! – about where the money’s going to come from.

That third tranche of income tax cuts – the ones that will cost $18 billion in 2024 – well, like you Sunshine, they’re gone!

They would have favoured the well-off and, on behalf of the Australian Labor Party, I apologise for supporting them during the term of this parliament.

You fucking wedged us and I’m man enought to admit that. Well, I’m wedging you back! I’m pulling your Sharkies-patterned jocks over your head, you smirking putrid pile of shit.

Now that’s a helluva lot of money to spend on things real governments who don’t want to get out of people’s lives should be providing, right? Like dental care for kids. Real aged care. Or towards the NDIS.

Or, shit … (scratches forehead theatrically) or simply to lower government debt so we’re in a position to pay for the next pandemic, or repair our communities after those once-in-5000 year floods we now have annually, (pauses for a sip of water) or maybe to help our Pacific neighbours so they don’t get wooed by China.

And my ministers won’t be making jokes about water lapping at those folks’ doors. (Points at Peter Dutton). Yes, I’m talking about you, you follicle-challenged fucknuckle.

Now, (scratches chin wisely) where else can we save money? (Snaps fingers on left hand dramatically) Oh, I’ve got it! My incoming government will suspend every last red fucking cent of the 8 billion-plus dollars that you’ve set aside that will take corrupt, criminal porkbarreling of your marginal seats to even greater levels than in 2019, hard as that is to believe.

We suspect that this round of porkbarreling will make what you cunts did before the 2019 (uses the fingers of both hands to denote question marks) miracle election look like a legitimately and fairly run fete lucky dip. (pauses for a sip of water and waits for the fresh round of applause to die down).

If any of those projects stack up under the scrutiny of a fair and balanced review panel of top public servants, then they’ll go ahead.

Otherwise, we’ll allocate those funds to worthwhile projects that pass such scrutiny and truly benefit communities.

(Points dramatically to Treasurer Frydenberg). How’s that mental abacus of yours going, cunt? How much am I saving so far? My best guess is that we’ll be pocketing at least $8 billion for better use.

Oh, and before I forget. I’ve been pretty wishy-washy in the past over this gold-level porkbarreling shit you cunts have turned into an Olympic sport. I’m regretfully on record as saying ministers should have a final say in these things. We’re not in office all that often so you can’t blame us for holding on to perks of office like that.

But let’s be clear about how Labor will, nevertheless, make porkbarreling harder to do! Applications to government for funding of community projects will be assessed by public servants and the whole process will be designed with the very best intentions of keeping ministers out of the process as much as fucking possible. But if ministers do make changes, those changes will have to be made public in the government gazette at the time those decisions are taken and reveal what recommended projects are being sidelined or replaced and why! It will be a serious criminal offence not to do so! (takes a long sip as standing ovation behind him and in the galleries settles down)

Here’s another idea! Let’s get public servants to do the fucking work you pricks have farmed out to privateer mates these past nine years.

They’ll do it quicker and faster and save billions! I’ll get Jim (Opposition Treasurer Jim Chalmers) to provide you cunts with the billions expected to be saved by that little manoeuvre. Okay, that will mean we won’t have the millions pouring back corruptly into LNP coffers to fund election campaigns but we can live with that. But in the interim, for argument’s sake , Joshie boy, add 20 billion over the forward estimates to our warchest!

Now, will that stop all youse cunts in the media – (looks up at the media section of the gallery and gives them the forks) writing daily splashes about Labor’s monster budget black hole? Of course it fucking won’t but we’ll put up with that. What’s that saying about revenge being a dish best served cold?

(now please insert here everything Albanese said on Budget reply night about aged care… and let’s finish this off with a flourish!)

Oh, and by the way, we won’t be setting up a federal ICAC when we come to power. We’ll set up a half a dozen because you and you and you (points theatrically along the government front bench) are all going to end up in fucking jail where you fucking belong! (sits down and pretends to read Hansard for a few minutes until the wild cheering and applause finally dies away).

And we’ll demand that Britain immediately releases Julian Assange and let him come home.

And the Biloela four? Yep, they’re off home to Biloela to live a long and peaceful life in a local community that loves them. Fuck it, the government will buy them a nice house to live in. (Turns to Frydenberg) Take $450,000 off the sum total of savings I’ve mentioned here, you fucking economics eunuch!

And as soon as this election is out of the way, I’ll have more to say about that fucking AUKUS pact, nuclear submarines that will send us broke if and when they are ever delivered and a few other bits and pieces we jettisoned from the last election but will become bleedingly obvious and essential revenue earners or savers for a serious government once the true state of the books under you pathetic rabble of an economic vandal cuntfest is revealed. (leaves the chamber for a short toilet break while ushers beg the chamber and gallery to calm down)

(returns and takes a final sip of water) But here is one final core promise; if elected, my government will immediately ensure that any application or submission on any matter whatsoever that comes from that revolting fat, lazy, worker-hating, cunt Clive Palmer or from Minerology, Waratah Coal or any of his other business interests will be sent immediately for a five-year review process before a fucking parliamentary committee that doesn’t exist! Comprende?

(now please insert here another five minutes of that shit Albanese always carries on with about his humble upbringing by his poor single mum and how it’s made him the caring man he is today!)

Done? okay so let’s bring this baby home!!!!

Please vote for Labor and I’ll be a prime minister who not only wants to be prime minister but one who actually wants to do the job of prime minister!

Thank you and good night! (Albanese’s colleague lift him on their shoulders and carry him from the chamber to the “It’s Time” tune from 1972).

Don Gordon-Brown