The Bug‘s in-house soothsayer considers the month ahead which, following the Federal Budget just days ago, he believes should perhaps begin on April Fuel’s Day.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
When someone explains that the Federal Budget cut of 22 cents per litre won’t take effect for a fortnight because it is applied at the production end of the automotive fuel cycle, you wonder why the big fuel retailers have for decades put their prices up and down several times a day regardless of when they bought the petrol and diesel sitting in the tanks under their forecourts.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You reckon you can bet your house on the fact those same fuel retailers will slap the 22 cents back on their prices about one second past midnight in six months’ time.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You admit guilt and pay the hefty fine for an offence captured on a traffic surveillance camera committed while you were behind the wheel of your car rather than face the added costs and potential embarrassment of challenging the legality of the government’s apparently secretly introduced new wankcams.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You take a good hard look at yourself when all the other star signs gang up to tell you in no uncertain terms that having dropped the ball with Donald Trump you can make up for it by immediately and aggressively making the acquaintance of Vladimir Putin.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You can’t believe your luck when walking down a darkened inner-city laneway late at night carrying a length of heavy steel piping you meet the person who invented true crime podcasts.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You feel just a little foolish when you check a packet of Coles Australian salted peanuts and feel just a little relieved that there’s no Made in China stamped on it.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
While not a big fan of Will Smith, you hope he doesn’t lose his Best Actor Oscar over that incident where he almost slapped Chris Rock.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You are not at all surprised when you read that a Catholic priest found guilty of sexually abusing a young girl has been ordered, along with a substantial custodial sentence, to make an appointment with Specsavers.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
You sit bold upright in bed when you suddenly realise your life has become as predictable at an eight-part Network series format.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You decide to make a few quid by starting a true crime podcast about the savage late-night bashing murder of the inventor of true crime podcasts in a darkened inner-city laneway, but decide to leave out some essential facts that would otherwise have helped police solve the crime.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
As someone quickly falling behind in their ever-increasing house rent payments, you turn to bidding at property auctions and secretly thank Prime Minister Scott Morrison for his timely and sensible advice.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
After driving around the city and seeing dozens of those yellow and black FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM FOREVER! campaign signs for the United Australia Party, you truly wonder how the fuck Clive Palmer ever got so rich.