Search begins for key feline role

CANBERRA: Has your much-loved family tabby passed away unexpectedly in recent days?

Well, nothing can replace the grief you’re feeling at the moment for a much-loved family member but there could be a staring role ahead for Muffin or Snowy or Bella or Leo or whatever that might fill you with pride and dry those tears just a little.

The Federal Government will begin auditions on Capital Hill later this morning to find the perfect dead cat to accompany next Tuesday night’s Budget address by Treasurer Josh Frydenberg.

“The specimen we’re looking forward can’t be one skittled on a road or anything like that,” one of Mr Frydenberg’s aides dressed in a teal-coloured suit told The Bug. “Yuk!”

“Nor are we looking for one of those cute and cuddly but scrawny oriental or fancy breeds like the Siamese, Burmese or Devon Rex.

“We need a heavy cat that’s hopefully just passed away because of its age and no major illness like cancer, mange or anything like that. Eight to 10 kilos would be perfect.

“Your average domestic short haired mongrel is, we think, the one we’re looking for.

“Past Budget-night dead cat bounces have been pretty average, to be honest, so we want Tuesday night’s to really stand out visually, befitting an economically astute, timely and relevant Budget delivered to benefit all Australians and by the only side of politics that can manage economies properly.”

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SYDNEY: Prime Minister Scott Morrison has used an impromptu media call outside Kirribilli House early this morning to step up his personal attacks on Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese.

“Anthony Albanese won’t tow your boat,” the PM told the media scrum using that broad Aussie accent that endears him to the hoi polloi. “He won’t get you to your favourite camping spot.”

Told by a Newscorpe journalist who no longer works there that his comments didn’t make sense, Mr Morrison rejected the entire thrust of the question and said he had never criticised electric vehicles, adding “that’s good technology” before snapping a quick “thank you, everyone” and scurrying back inside.