Albanese rushed to hospital

SYDNEY: Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese has been admitted to an inner-city hospital here suffering liver failure from excessive drinking and afflicted with a range of venereal diseases from sleeping around far too much.

“He’s been trying so hard of late just to be like Bob Hawke was before being elected prime minister,” a spokesperson explained.

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MELBOURNE: Finance Minister Simon Birmingham has revealed how he managed not to blush mightily on air this morning when complaining to the ABC’s News Breakfast cohost Lisa Millar that the Labor Party was porkbarreling seats the ALP held or wanted to win at the looming federal election.

“People sometimes make the mistake of thinking it’s a gift not to blush like normal people would when displaying such arrant hypocrisy,” the Senator was heard saying to the ABC cameraman just after the interview concluded. “But it takes an enormous amount of practice and willpower.”

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MELBOURNE: Sportsbet is this morning offering odds of only 1.01 – that’s a one cent profit for each dollar invested – on the chances that Prime Minister Scott Morrison, between now and the May election, will do a photo-op even more laughable and absurdly ridiculous than recent efforts at creepy hair-washing, dumb-as-fuck arc welding, pointless basketball-floor mopping with the wrong equipment or it’s-never-going-to-happen hands-in-the-air volunteer waving with Jen.