Shields shunned for top gong

The Sun-Herald’s Jacqueline Maley has taken out The Bug‘s Media Glass House February 2022 Arse-Licker of the Month Award, stunning The Sydney Morning Herald colleague Bevan Shields who many thought was an absolute shoo-in for the uncoveted gong.

Shields, the newish SMH editor, was considered unbackable for the award after repeatedly directing his staff to use the words “rail strike” to explain the recent lockout by Sydney rail bosses of their train crews and other city rail network staff.

Instead, The Bug‘s ALOTM judges showed how effectively just a few short words can be when they unanimously awarded Maley, columnist with both Heralds, her first win in the category for this column in last weekend’s Sun-Herald.

And those choice few words? Long-time, happily married.

Maley was referring, of course, to Scott Morrison, the not-so-subliminal message in her piece being that wanna-be PM Anthony Albanese “who voters don’t really know who he is” “which is strange for a 58-year-old man who has been in politics for almost his entire working life” might have a new girlfriend, 43, but, hey, who knows what might happen, compared with decades of blissful, harmonious marriage between Scottie and Jen, right?

And this is what stuck in the craw of our ALOTM judges.

Said one of our judges with three bitter divorces behind him: “How the fuck would Maley know if the Morrisons are happily married?

“They might have barely talked to each other and have lived basically separate lives from about nine months before their younger daughter was born.

“Jen might have reluctantly agreed to sit beside Morrison for that 60 Minutes creampuff piece and take the blame for his various mistakes out of love alright … the love of living in Kirribilli House with her two girls and wanting to do that for another three years.”

Another judge added: “Just think what an insult to Jenny Morrison Maley’s assumption is. Mrs Morrison has had decades since that first blush of true love between teenagers to come to realise what a cunt Morrison is. Who in their right mind would have anything to do with him?

“It’s taken just a few years for a majority of Australians to now see Morrison for the lazy, lying, lowlife, loathsome, repulsive reptile he is so why couldn’t Maley have given Mrs Morrison the same doubt. It reflects terribly on her.”

A third judge commented: “The happy-marriage assumption is laughable for so many other reasons too. Morrison thinks he’s God’s-gift to 21st Century Australian politics and he’s got a fucking ego the size of Uluru and Kata-Tjuta combined so for all Maley knows he could be fucking anything that moves in Canberra and as he wanders around the country.

“Anything with a hole mightn’t be safe. He is just a bloke after all.

“No, the second we saw those rubbishy words in that Maley essay, we knew Bevan Shield’s chances of becoming a multi-winner of our monthly Arse-Licker award were dashed.

“Bevo was just giving Peter Costello’s coit a damn-fine licking; Maley left Morrison with a sparkling, hygienically tongued arse you could safely have eaten a meal off.”