Blow those autumnal blues away!

We’d all be forgiven for being a tad depressed at the moment with the threat of nuclear war in Europe and Australia beset by natural disasters and the Scott Morrison ministry.

But please try to put on a brave face and accept that the month ahead won’t be too bad if you all follow the sound advice of the world’s greatest soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias.

Rated over the past three decades as consistently 120 per cent accurate with his predictions, Kisma will always keep you safe. You know that, right?

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

Seeing the first episode of the fourth season of Killing Eve on the ABC made perfect sense to you, you want to catch up with other Australians who felt the same way to discuss the direction the series might take from here on and have booked an appropriate venue for those talks (pictured above left).

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Pondering recent statements by a federal Liberal Party MP touting his use of ivermectin to ward off coronavirus you wonder why people seeking to stand for parliament shouldn’t have to pass a swab test.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

Or at least be subjected to a system of weight handicapping.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You lay awake late at night wondering if you’ll ever be rich enough to give millions away to someone you’ve never met for something you never did. (okay, this is not original but you try to come up with this fucking shit month after month, okay!!)

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You lie awake in bed wondering if you’re the only person in Australia who doesn’t know what the Q and R in QR codes stand for.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You firmly believe that no social media platform could be as toxic, confrontational and full of misleading claims and bogus argument as Twitter, but then you read about the launch of Donald Trump’s new Truth Social app.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You contact communications regulatory bodies in the USA to ask if they could force Trump’s new social media app to use more factual branding such as Truth [sic] Social.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You lie awake in bed wondering if anyone else in Australia thinks that cling wrap doesn’t cling and wrap anywhere near as well as it used to.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You hear that the latest season of Married at First Sight is rating so well that Channel 9 is already searching for the 2023 season contestants: a fresh batch of vacuous blondes with bee-sting lips and over-the-top eye shadow and moronic beefcakes with IQs barely capable of sustaining life and who look suspiciously gay for blokes pretending to be heterosexual and all of them barely capable of reading out the lines they’ve been given.

.SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You’re not one to bag Australia in any way, shape or form but you nevertheless suspect that the Australian version of Would I Lie to You? is going to be a rich blend of fucking awful and bloody embarrassing.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted laneway late at night armed only with a 3lb Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the person who designed the original typewriter keyboard and put the CAPS LOCK and SHIFT keys so FUcKIng clOSE TOgetHER.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 1

You hear that a new ABC documentary series to be narrated by Lisa Millar has been cancelled at great expense and after 21episodes had been shot prior to its expected release late in the year. It’s been revealed that absolutely no progress was being made by the six contestants around the nation who were each give 12 moggies to train for the program, Herding Cats.