Wiping out supply shortages

The Bug’s resident sex and general medical advice columnist Doctor Dick considers correspondence from a reader who has a solution to what is currently a widespread problem.

Dear Doctor Dick

As you would be aware the COVID-19 pandemic has not only caused panic buying in our supermarkets but problems are now being compounded by staff shortages due to illness or forced isolation as well as pandemic-induced supply chain disruptions.

One of the biggest ongoing problems is the shortage of packs of toilet paper rolls which seem to disappear off retail shelves as soon as they are placed on them.

My own local supermarket hasn’t had toilet paper available for weeks and my personal supplies are running critically low and will soon be used up.

But just the other day while shopping I struck upon a solution after “thinking outside the square”.

It occurred to me that right now there may be no toilet paper on the shelves but there are plenty of hot-cross buns, even if Easter is still months away.

So instead of bemoaning the lack of toilet paper, I have started buying up as many hot-cross buns as possible each time I go shopping.

I take them home, cut them in half and leave them in a bucket beside my toilet.

I have found them quite efficient in wiping my arse clean, possibly because of their absorbent nature provided you don’t let them go stale. (main picture)

I suggest others should try my idea but I advise some caution.

They shouldn’t make the mistake I did and leave one “used” half-bun lying around for your partner to find and start to eat thinking it’s smeared with Nutella.

Lateral Thinker, Brisbane

Doctor Dick replies:

Dear Lateral Thinker. You most certainly did have a wipespread problem there, if you’ll excuse the pun. But what a divine solution to a shitty problem. Congratulations! I’d also like to think you are also making a statement – creating a real stink in fact – about the disgraceful commercial exploitation of a holy and sacred Christian event. Surely any one wanting fresh hot-cross buns to celebrate Easter would want them baked just before that special weekend in the Christian calendar and not two-and-a-half-months early?