A curly one for Doctor Dick

Dear Doctor Dick

I was watching this new rom-com on Netflix the other day and this bright young marketing thing was in a lift having a go at the workmate boyfriend she’s just ditched and explaining how bad he had been at giving her 50 lashes with the Robert Young.

I almost felt equally sorry for both that poor prick and the other male work colleague caught between the two former lovers as she explained where the important things were in female anatomy and how they should be approached.

Barely a day later, I’m watching another movie – some years old now – and the typical eccentric and wacky sidekick to the main star was lamenting having broken up with some bloke who apparently was one of the few poor pricks who got things right down there and how his tongue should be declared a national treasure.

Got me to thinking about this stuff and there seems to be a trend here, going back to some movie I saw in 2015 about a promiscuous, relationship-adverse young woman played I think by Amy Poehler who has to explain to one of her muscle-bound casual sex partners that “all the important stuff is up the top” or something like that,

Sorry for taking so long, doc, to get to the point but where the bloody hell are the movies in which blokes sit in a bar complaining that their wives or girlfriends aren’t very good at giving blow jobs and how their techniques need massive improvement?

Life Sucks
Tempe, Sydney

Doctor Dick replies: Bloody hell, Life Sucks! You do know we’re living in the 21st Century, right?

My instinct is to do the usual thing and say I don’t respond to requests for help that are clearly made up but what the heck! I’ll give this my best shot even though it might end my three-decade career as arguably the world’s greatest ever sex therapist.

By the way, that last movie you mention was Trainwreck on 2015 and starred Amy Schumer.

You see, the problem at the moment is that it’s been a man’s world since human civilisation began and what we’re witnessing here is a catch-up period – a bit like a market correction in the world of finance – where women get to dump on men without any right of reply and …

Life Sucks, Tempe: Sorry to butt in here doc, but maybe I can accept that but, bloody hell, how long is this process going to take?

Doctor Dick replies: Oh, about a hundred years, according to my missus. Anyway, just for your interest, there was a New York scriptwriter who did come up with a romcom storyline that did have the main male characters from time to time sitting in bars lamenting their female sex partners’ lack of expertise in certain oral fields. He’s now flipping burgers in a grimy diner in lower Manhattan.

But I know where you’re coming from. I remember a scene from that US hit television series Suits where one of the female stars was asking another woman work colleague about how her date went the night before. She answered by lifting her hands and spacing them about 10 inches apart. Another classic example of..

Life Sucks, Tempe: Sorry to butt in here doc, but I think that was in MadMen from memory.

Doctor Dick replies: Fair enough but I think you know where I’m heading here?

Life Sucks, Tempe: And, yes, I can understand your reticence now in how to tackle my request for help.

Doctor Dick: Me too. Can you imagine any scriptwriter who devised a scene in a bar when one bloke is asking another how his date went the previous night and then forms the largest possible circle with his thumbs and forefingers to denote the size of the woman’s….

Life Sucks, Tempe: I’ve got the picture, doc.

Doctor Dick: Me too. The poor bastard wouldn’t be flipping burgers; he’d be the mincemeat in the patty.