Gina demands island shift


Billionaire mining magnate Gina Rinehart has demanded that the State Government move Great Keppel Island a fair bit closer to Brisbane.

Ms Rinehart recently bought* the sub-tropical island 520km north of the state capital for a really large amount of money but she’s discovered it’s more than a day’s steaming for her $24 million luxury yacht, Old Lang Sigh (pictured) whenever she’s needed there for her crucial work as president-for-life of the 2032 Brisbane Olympic Games.

In a fairly abrupt email that The Bug has been given exclusive access to, Ms Rinehart calls on Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk to move the island a further 200km down the Queensland coastline.

“Apart from facilitating my enormous workload as 2032 Olympics el supremo, this will also lessen the chances of a cyclone affecting the island, a notion I am sure will have your full support given the billions of dollars I plan to spend on the island to make it possibly the world’s greatest tourist destination for really well-heeled people.”

But there was also a clear threat in Ms Rinehart’s missive.

“My ability to continue funding virtually the entire cost of the 2032 Olympics could be severely restricted if it’s not possible for me to get to Brisbane on my amazing super yacht in a reasonable amount of time.”

Ms Rinehart also demanded that a world-class marina capable of mooring her state-of-the-art super yacht be built in one of Brisbane’s riverside suburbs and suggested that “the dodgy, lower parts of Hamilton that used to be Whinstanes could be razed and then dug out to achieve that end”.

“I await your positive response on these matters as quickly as possible so that my 2032 Games can go ahead as planned.”

* The Bug‘s research teams could not determine whether Ms Rinehart has bought or just leased Great Keppel Island but it remains a shitload of money.