It’s a question of time

CANBERRA: Stung by criticisms that he maybe uses “Mr Speaker” too much in the Parliament, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has vowed to use the phrase only once per answer during the remaining three Question Times for the year.

Question Time for today, tomorrow and finally on Thursday to complete the parliamentary year will now run from 2pm Australian Eastern Daylight Saving Time to 2.25pm.


CANBERRA: Defence Minister Peter Dutton is resting comfortably in a private hospital in the nation’s capital after accidentally stabbing himself several times in his Parliament House office during his regular post-lunch, pre-Question Time bayonet practice session.

Staffers are using his absence to repair the People’s Liberation Army straw dummy in historic Maoist uniform that has been shredded into an unconditional and totally humiliating surrender by the minister over recent times.

They are said to be missing the shouts of “are you enjoying this little taste of cold Aussie steel, you pathetic, heathen, slant-eyed, yellow Commie bastard!” that have drifted from the minister’s conference room daily over the current parliamentary sitting session.

“His words bring comfort to us, knowing that Australia’s long-term peace and security is assured under his leadership,” one senior ministerial aide said as he vacuumed up stray straw bits and pieces.