Cummins faces stiff competition

CRICKET: Test bowling spearhead Pat Cummins will not have it all his own way when it comes to replacing disgraced ex-skipper Tim Paine.

The Bug understands another senior member of the Test squad has thrown his name into the ring with this telling email to all Cricket Australia executive members: “No-one’s penis is harder than mine when it’s erect!”

One CA board member told us on condition of anonimity: “I wouldn’t get too cocky about my chances of taking over the team if I were Pat Cummins.

“This other senior player has certainly put his best foot forward and I’ve got to say the dick pick he attached to his email was an absolute beauty!

“It looked like a bulldog without legs.”


Cricket Australia says it is determined to ensure that each and every Australian player who runs out onto the famous Woolloongabba Cricket Ground on December 8 for the first Ashes Test will be “of the highest moral fibre, integrity and decency”.

“They must be inherently honest chaps with an unswerving commitment to playing the game fairly and squarely in the true spirit of international sporting competition,” CA said in a published edict.

Cricket fans who have bought pre-match tickets for all five Ashes clashes can now seek refunds online.


Disgraced ex-Australian Test captain Tim Paine remains confident that he’ll be picked as wicketkeeper/batsman in the first Test that begins at the ‘Gabba on Wednesday December 8.

“I’ll turn 37 on that day and I’ve assured the selectors that my zimmerframe won’t scuff up the ground to any discernible level,” Paine said.


Whoever takes over as Test cricket skipper will have a huge and daunting task ahead of them, a Cricket Australia source told The Bug.

“If Tim Paine stays in the team, imagine having not just one but two ex-skippers behind the stumps telling the new captain what to fucking do.”