PM lashes mob with limp lettuce leaf!

SYDNEY: Prime Minister Scott Morrison has denied allegations by Dan Andrews that he is engaging in “double-speaking to extremists” after saying he understands the frustrations of some protesters who have threatened the life of the Victorian Premier and his family.

Speaking to the media in Sydney at a hastily arranged door-stop outside Kirribilli House earlier this morning (main picture) Mr Morrison rejected claims that his comments were sending “mixed messages” to the type of people who this week occupied the steps of the Victorian Parliament building, made verbal death threats against the Premier, carried prop gallows, and engaged in a mock execution of Mr Andrews.

But the Prime Minister then added: “Our country has had enough. We will not take it anymore.

“If you don’t fight like hell you’re not going to have a country anymore,” he said before smearing blue paint over his face and turning his head skyward to emit a long howling scream.

Later, a senior source in the Prime Minister’s Office who did not wish to be identified conceded that Mr Morrison’s defence may have been weakened by the intervention of Defence Minister Peter Dutton who described the PM’s comments as “perfectly sensible”.

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SYDNEY: In a move to defuse recent claims about his mendacity, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has vowed that not one lie will escape his lips about Labor’s policies during the looming federal election campaign.

At this morning’s media call at Kirribilli House, Mr Morrison said that legislation would be introduced in the last two sitting weeks of Parliament to change electoral rules that currently call for a minimum 33 days campaign once the Governor-General issues the poll writs.

“We’re going to change that to 33 hours,” the PM said. “Jenny is confident I can refrain from telling a monstrous porkie during that period, especially if I’ll be asleep for at last a quarter of it after my usual Friday night on the turps.”

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CANBERRA: The Liberal Party’s national secretariat has squashed suggestions by ABC Insiders presenter David Speers that “Can-Do Capitalism; Not Can’t Do Governments” might well be the official LNP slogan for next year’s federal election.

“We’ve got more than enough time to come up with something much worse than that,” a very senior Liberal administrative source said.