It’s a cruel, cruel, cruel, cruel, cruel world!

Cripes! What does a man have to do to be loved on the world stage?

Poor old Smoko Morrison couldn’t take a trick last week. At the start of the G-20 in Rome, most world leaders thought he was a dreadful cunt; by the end of COP26 in Glasgow all doubt had been removed.

It all started when Smoko, his professional photographer in tow, thought it a good idea to shoulder-pat Emmanuel Macron while the French President was having a private discussion with someone he liked. Smoko gave Macron a cheesy “gidday!” with the crucial photographic proof that all was now good between France and Oz after some silly misunderstanding over a piffling subs deal.

Macron’s response to that pentecostal laying on of hands was to tell the world Smoko was a liar which of course is a bit like declaring that an icberg is cold or that it’s almost impossible to drown in the Todd River but the message nevertheless hit home.

Of course Smoko was not going to take that lying down, especially considering his best lies have always come from the standing position. He leaked a text message to him from Macron to his brown-nosing Newscorpse toadies – or was it Phillip Coorey? – that supposedly was meant to show that Macron if he had any nousment at all had to know the subs deal was sunk, even though it did no such thing.

Smoko doubled down on his devious, deceitful and diplomacy-free ways by then leaking a dossier that supposedly showed US President Joe Biden knew that Macron knew that the diesel-electric motors in the subs France was going to build in Australia, having yanked out the nuclear power plants Australia clearly did not want, no longer floated as a viable idea between the two great allies with big stakes in the Pacific region.

It was a typical Smoko get-even play; a message in his own weird bubble that no reasonable analyst let alone a lay person can ever hope to fathom although Phillip Coorey seems to get a handle on such things, to teach Biden a lesson for having that “clumsy” dig at his sub-standard interactions with Macron.

So there was the Gotcha!20 done and dusted, with poor Smoko unable to find anyone to shake hands with him, not even OECD bigwig Mathias Cormann (at top).

And so it was off to Glasgow where Smoko knew his chance of redemption was at hand, especially when he could sprout his unhastily cobbled-together Clayton’s net zero by 2050 emissions Plan with a capital P. To explain how the world can be saved from climate-change disaster The Australian Way.

Well! The ungrateful sods!

You could have heard a pin drop in the auditorium during his four-and-a-bit minute address although to be fair that was probably because no-one was there to hear him mangle a more-than- usual amount of words.

They missed a wonderful opportunity to hear Smoko declare that Australia would happily continue to export coal and gas for ever more so that developing countries could keep their home fires burning! And that, ladies and gentlemen of COP26, is The Australian Way.

After some more awkward times when no-one wanted to shake Smoko’s hand for fear of getting coal dust all over them, Smoko fled back to Shark One, keen to start six months of campaigning back in Australia for the next federal election.

“Not fucking likely,” Smoko apparently muttered to himself as he spotted the “Haste Ye Back” sign on the way to the airbase.

Don Gordon-Brown