Facebook’s Bug ban explained!

Everyone at The Bug feels much better about ourselves and our role as a responsible, ethical and community-minded major Australian online news source after a phone interview with Facebook’s content censor who explained why he had banned one of The Bug’s articles we tried to upload on Thursday.

The Bug: Thanks for your time, Mr Gorithm.

Facebook’s content censor: Please, call me Al.

The Bug: Righto. Al, it is. Way to go. Al, can we say from the outset that we were rather stunned when we got your notification that our story had breached Facebook’s worldwide community standards in regard to nudity and sexual activity.

Al: Well, maybe you were but we at Facebook take our community responsibilities very, very seriously and the image shown in your post was, well, quite shocking.

The Bug: You mean this one here?

Al: That’s it. Do you want to get banned again?

The Bug: Of course not. But really! Where is the nudity in that image? Do you see the bloke’s meat and two veg? His sausage and two meatballs. His beef bayonet. His wedding tackle. His cervix crusher. His slongaroonie. It’s nothing but a large red circle of sorts, for Christ’s sake!

Al: Well, viewers were entitled to imagine what was being covered up there. And how engorged it might have…

The Bug You’re not a well man, are you, Al?

Al: I’ll admit I’ve had better days.

The Bug: But … surely the bottom line – not that we showed that either – is that you don’t see any naughty bits at all. Al, are you telling us that Facebook has never allowed an image of a girl in a string bikini or thong on a beach or by a pool? Our guess is that you have on many occasions, because not a single pink bit was visible, right?

Al: But you can still imagine what’s lurking beneath those bikini bottoms, can’t you? The vertical smile. The bearded clam. The carriageway to carnaltown. The panty hamster. The mossy cleft. The pink taco. The snatch. Twat. Pussy. Poon. Moot. The Valley of no return. Oooh, yeah …come to pappa!

The Bug: You really are not a well man, are you, Al?

Al: If you saw all the things I’m forced to look at and censor, could you blame me?

The Bug: Guess not. But what about the claim of sexual activity. We showed a fat old bloke sunbathing in his backyard for goodness sake. Nothing more. Here’s a reminder.

Al: Yes, but there’d be a bottle of sunscreen lotion nearby and we all know what blokes do if they think they’re alone and they’ve got access to a silky-soft lotio…

The Bug You really do need to take a long holiday, Al.

Al: I do work very long hours and I guess I could do with a break.