It’s hard to believe it’s now less than eight weeks to go before supermarkets start flogging hotcross buns for Easter, 2022. Christmas is looming too.
So can we all step out safely and enjoy life as both those hotcross bun displays and the fested season approach?
Well, there’s only one person who can draw him close to your bosom and keep you all safe and sound until then. We refer, of course, to the world’s most accurate soothsayer in all of history – Kisma Aryias.
So take it away Kisma!
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
It was a big hit on Broadway and it’s coming Down Under but you’re still not sure whether you’d spend good money to take the family to see Ted Bundy: The Musical.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
For some years you’ve been telling friends and family that you identify as “polyamorous” because of the sexual relationships you have with multiple people, but suddenly it dawns on you that you’re basically just a slut.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
As a feminist, you are disgusted by the sexist nature of the previous starsign but are then forced to remind yourself that as a teenager you were known as the town bike, a nickname that even your other brothers liked teasing you with.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
Now that you’ve heard quite a few of the songs from the musical Hamilton, you wonder if anyone else in Australia thinks they’re largely forgettable crap.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You suspect NSW Premier Dominic Perrottett would get little or no comfort from a MSM commentator’s description of him as “being more intelligent and more economically astute than Scott Morrison”.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You can’t believe your luck when walking down a dark and deserted alleyway late at night and armed only with a 3kg Stuart and Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the person who first came up with the idea that TV ads should be louder than normal programming.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You question Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s commitment to battling climate change when he is forced to correct himself after referring to the UN’s Glasgow summit as Copout26.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You’ve never regarded yourself as a mean-spirited bastard but you’ve got to admit you did get enormous pleasure out of offering a plate of carrot and celery sticks with a hummus dip to all the Halloween kids that came a’knocking on Sunday night.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You start to feel you might just cave in to the demands of your fellow star signs for you to form a much, much closer – indeed intimate – relationship with Donald Trump.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You wonder why such an accomplished, polished and all-too-frequent liar as Scott Morrison should be so upset at being called a liar by French president Emmanuel Macron.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You’d love to have a dollar for every “thank you” you heard from all the kids who tricked and treated your door last night. But then, again, what does a dollar buy these days, eh?
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You start to wonder how the free-to-air commercial television networks could possibly survive if ads for online betting companies were ever banned.