Fight erupts over awards


An unseemly public slanging match has erupted after some sections of Australia’s entertainment industry suggested the annual Logie Awards should be renamed in honour of Bert Newton who died yesterday aged 83.

Newton was a long-standing host of the awards night and moves began as soon as his death was announced to have the awards renamed as the Bertie Awards.

But strong opposition has been voiced already by Logie Statuette, whose name has adorned the awards since they were first held in 1959.

Mr Statuette appeared at a news conference in Melbourne to criticise the proposal. (pictured)

A clearly tired and emotional Mr Statuette said he saw no reason to change the name of the eponymous awards.

“My name has been on these awards for… fuck me… how many years?” he said before pausing to calculate the time period.

“Shit!,” he said after several moments, “I keep forgetting I’ve got no fucking fingers so I can’t count how long it’s been.

“Anyway, it’s been fuckin’ years since my name was slapped on these awards.

“They may be useless, worthless, and meaningless, and they may invariably be given to useless, worthless, and talentless so-called ‘stars’, but they are my fucking awards and they should continue to bear my name.”

Mr Statuette then launched a savage personal attack on Bert Newton, saying he was not a fit and proper person to have his name on the awards.

“Let’s not forget he was a longtime associate of Don Lane,” Mr Statuette said while circulating an obviously doctored photo of Newton and the now-dead corrupt former Queensland politician Don Lane. (pictured)

Mr Statuette also circulated to reporters a photo of Newton supposedly appearing in the controversial 1970s movie Last Tango in Paris (pictured), as well as other clearly fake photos of Newton and his wife Patti appearing naked in porn films.

“Listening to the tributes overnight you’d think butter wouldn’t melt in Bert’s mouth. But he knew what to do with butter in Last Tango, I can tell you.

“Do we really want to reward this type of behaviour by this type of person?” Mr Statuette said before pausing to vomit and then slipping sideways to the floor and appearing to fall unconscious.

A spokesperson for the Logie Awards said no decision had been made about the future naming of the awards.