Is Howard’s end near?

HEALTH MATTERS:

Former much-loved Prime Minister John Howard is in an inner-Sydney private hospital battling a major health problem from which he is not expected to recover.

Mr Howard was admitted to the exclusive Aging Men of Steel Wing of the Sir Robert Menzies Private Hospice in Vaucluse late last week after he was diagnosed with chronic hyperbolism.

Shocked NSW health officials spotted the condition the moment Mr Howard was quoted in the media late last week as saying the entire population of the state was grieving the resignation of former Premier Gladys Berejiklian.

“It was probably the worst case of chronic hyperbolism our medical experts in the field had ever observed, albeit remotely,” a NSW Heath Department spokesperson said on condition of anonymity.

“We dispatched an ambulance immediately to Mr Howard’s Wollstonecraft home on Sydney’s inner north shore and it broke paramedics’ hearts to see Jeanette Howard standing at the home’s security gates, dabbing her eyes with a handerchief and calling out: ‘I’ll keep running everything as usual, darling’.

“Mr Howard has been receiving around-the-clock treatment every since.

“But one of the sad aspects of chronic hyperbolism is that there is no real cure and Mr Howard, no matter how much medication we pump into him, is just as likely at any time to say something else that is totally overblown and patently, laughably, false.”

The Bug understands that one good outcome of this tragic diagnosis is that Mr Howard has been approached by all major commercial TV networks to copywrite promos for their various reality TV shows.

Mr Howard is proving a natural at the task and has already come up with “the whole world will be watching”, “the entire nation will be shocked”, “the episode that will bring tears to every Australian’s eyes” and “the nation will come to a standstill…”.

But the former PM was in no mood to discuss this new outlet for his prodigious talents when The Bug managed to get through to his private suite this morning.

“I’ll determine the date of my discharge and the manner in which that discharge takes place”, he growled down the line.


Below: The story that sparked health authorities’ concerns over John Howard’s health.